The Girl You Loved Is Gone

Today I got stuck in the pouring rain. My umbrella couldn’t take the wind, so I walked uncovered in the misty morning. I was soaking wet, and yet… I smiled. I even laughed about how beautiful life truly was.

It was in that finite moment that I recognized liberation. I felt alive in skin that was shedding a layer of remorse as each drop slid off of my arms. I knew I wasn’t over you. No, that wasn’t what this was. I was over the person who was in love with you.

So, I’m sorry to say this, but the girl that gave up all her dreams for you? The girl who only breathed if you smiled back at her? She’s somewhere in the puddles of the city you wander. She’s somewhere in another rainfall, or in the ocean you looked upon. She’s a droplet in the leaves of a palm tree. She’s swimming across shores and concrete.

She’s gone.

This body I now walk in is filled with an altered soul. It’s known agony, it’s known heartache, and it’s known them like best friends. Pain lived beside me like a neighbor, but I have since moved on. A sense of relief and reprieve filled my tattered heart. It brought air into my empty lungs. It brought life to the dreams I had shadowed with grief.

So as I walked through the rain I realized my heart had traveled miles farther than I ever thought it could. I had survived. I had used heartbreak as my muse, and I was better for it.

I didn’t like the life you left me with, so I changed it. I transformed my heartbreak into a worthwhile existence. The tainted mess you left was now a work of art, and happiness covered all of the stains.

I let go of inhibitions, and I trusted my heart. I walked my own with my own company. I’ll do so patiently until true love walks beside me. Because that’s the other thing — I believe in love again.

So I’m sorry to tell you this, but the girl who held your hand in your darkest moments, and the girl who changed your mind on love? She ceased to exist with the relationship you spilled onto porous ground.

If there ever comes a day you realize your mistake or you grieve over what you let go, you must know I no longer wish and expect this day to come. Yet if it does, I at least thought you should know the truth, because pain was never something I wanted you to feel. The girl whose heart was undeniably and forever yours is gone.

The girl you loved disappeared as a puddle of tears that fell like rain. She vanished into the storm and came out as dew with the morning sun. You can look for her, somewhere in the earth’s waters, but all you will find when you do is your reflection. From there you’ll see the answer in your eyes before your heart even questions why.

So to all the broken-hearted afraid to let go, or scared of moving on just know that a time will come when you realize you already have. We only stay in love with someone as long as we stay the person who loved them.

And if you’re still mourning, and still searching for answers, know that one day you’ll wake up changed. One day you’ll be strong enough not to question fate. One day you’ll be wise enough not to settle. One day you’ll be happy enough to smile in the pouring rain.

One day that girl that loved so fiercely, and that girl that broke so easily will be gone. The one that takes her place will be scarred and she’ll be far from perfect, but she’ll believe in love again. And in the end, believing in love is all that truly matters. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

featured image – Caterina Appia // Flickr

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