I was busy with my daily morning routine getting ready for a new day. I was drinking my tea standing in my balcony and admiring the scene before my eyes. I had that smile, you know the smile you get when the right amount of sunlight hits your face. I was happy. And then it happened. Suddenly from somewhere far I hear the music. My heart starts beating so fast against my chest because I recognize the song. Oh I knew this song. It was THE song. No, it wasn’t our song that was playing. It was YOUR song with HER. My eyes start to tear up. “Stop that song,” I scream. Nothing. It’s still playing. And then my thoughts start to gather up. Images of you and her pop up in my mind. I’m tired.
Then I reflect back on everything and realize you were never mine in the first place. Even though you were with me, mentally you were still with her. I could never replace her. You needed somebody to replace her smell, her laugh, her eyes, her sound. You just needed somebody to make you forget about her and perhaps I did that for you. You needed me to get over her. But I could never make you smile the way she did. I could never make you laugh the way she did. I could probably never do anything the way she did.
And the sad part is maybe you expected that from me. And I failed you. You were still so hung up on her and I was so blind and naïve to not see it when we were together. I was just a replacement but I could never really replace her. Could I? Maybe you thought it would be easier for you to forget her if you start something with me. So you did that. You lied to yourself. And worse than that, you lied to me. You made me believe that your feelings for me were true but in reality I was just some escape for you. You didn’t love me. I was nothing but a rebound.
Truth is you just needed somebody to make you feel good about yourself again. You just needed somebody to help you believe in yourself again. You just needed somebody to make you feel better about your miserable life and that you do in fact deserved to be loved. And as soon as that happened you left me. My work was done. Now you were totally over her. And just like that you were suddenly ‘ready’ for a relationship. Not with me, but with someone else. I was just someone who helped you fill the void and empty spaces of her. But then how come I failed to realise this every time you mentioned her in our conversations? You would tell me it’s because you wanted me to know every event that took place in your life. And I understood.
I sat there and listened to all the stories about her. But do you know many times I wanted to cry every time you spoke of her? Do you know how I was so fucking tired of listening to your memories with her? It hurt me so much when you kept talking about her. I was right there in front of you standing with open arms, ready to accept you and love you but you never saw that. You know how I have anxiety problems and every time you would take her name my anxiety would shoot up. My heartbeat would race and it used to be so difficult for me to calm myself down. I would tell you at times that it didn’t make me feel good and you would stop for a while but then it would automatically slip out of your mouth all the time. You were constantly thinking about her. And the only reason I put up with it is because I loved you. I loved you with every bit of emotion and feelings within me. I wanted to take away all your pain. I wanted to help you. And somewhere I think I was hoping this would be just a phase.
I was confident that someday you would stop taking her name. But that never happened. And I couldn’t see it then but now I know I was in love with a boy who wasn’t mine in the first place. You were still living in your past. And I understand you know? I understand that it must have been difficult to forget about her and your past relationship.
It had been over a year then. But what I fail to understand is why did you make me fall for you when you weren’t even going to be there to catch me? Why did you go all in, say all those words, make me believe that you were actually in love with me? How could you be so cruel even when you knew this was my first time with everything? How?
You’re gone now. And I’m here wondering and wondering about how I could have done things differently to actually make you fall for me? What could I have done to make myself more than just a rebound for you? What more could I have done to make you love me the way you loved her?