9 Ways Brothers Protect Their Sisters

I love my sister to the moon and back. Although I once punched her in the stomach right after she got her belly button pierced because she ripped up my Pokemon cards when I was ten, I hope she knows i’ve always had her best interest at heart. Years later she got my lesson that belly button rings rarely look good and I like to think that in the long run, I was looking out for her. Here are ten other ways I tried (it is debatable how successfully) to protect her over the years.

1. We understand the unspoken verbal contract that states brothers can make fun of our sisters, but will summon the power of Thor’s hammer if anyone else teases them. I once punched a boy in the nose on a summer camp trip to a roller rink because he told my sister she wasn’t pretty enough to couple’s skate with. I didn’t give a fuck if he was three feet taller than me and had nordic, giant blood running through his veins. He crossed my blood, and that shit will not fly with brothers.

2. Growing up together, brothers will have gained the insight into knowing exactly who would be a healthy match for their sisters. Significant others will always be trying to win our approval, and therefore we will have obtained an eagle eye on which partners would be healthy for our sisters. The truth is, though, no one is ever good enough for my sister and therefore boys will always be on probation with me.

3. We’re always willing to help you rebuff the advances of unwanted suitors. I once ate a box of chocolates a boy gave to my sister right in front of him while never breaking eye contact. Oh, these were for her? To win her heart and affection? Thanks, bitch. 

4. We teach our sisters just how sensitive men can be. It’s easy for society to teach us that men are stoic and that most men feel less than women because it isn’t, “manly” to show emotions. However, my sister can vividly recall that time in Disney World I had a mental break down to Eeyore at a “meet the characters,” dinner. I was six and I hugged whoever was in that costume for ten minutes straight saying, “it is just so nice how you make all these people happy!” Albeit, I probably had sun poisoning and was out of my mind at the time, but I sobbed none the less. Sisters have the insight scoop that society likes to hide: that men can be blubbering babies of visceral emotions as well. Also, shout out to that poor college student that was in the suit. If you’re reading this…i’m sorry.

5. We’re half of a whole team perfectly designed to ward off unwanted parental scrutiny. When my sister would get into serious trouble with my parents, i’d often follow suit and help take half the blame. It’s harder for parents to be the heavy when there is more than one child to punish. My sister one time promised my mom to run away and thought it would be a good idea to bring me with her. Although I had no intention of running away, when my mom finally found us trying to fish in a lake with a bag, I told her it was also my idea to skip town. We both were grounded and punished, but i’m sure my sister appreciated having someone there to lighten the load.

6. Remember all those times you wanted to kick me off the Game Cube so you could drool over Ryan Atwood in The O.C? Remember when you punched me in the stomach and I pulled your hair? Well, now you’re ready for your first real fight in case someone tries you at the bar. You’re welcome.

7. You don’t want to finish your dinner but mom and dad won’t let you leave the table until you do? Don’t worry, brothers by nature are bottomless pits and have been biologically designed to eat all the dinners. We have your back, so pass the plate.

8. Our opinions on your clothes, look, and attitude will be completely unfiltered and raw. Sure, we may come off as dicks sometimes–but we want you to hear it from us, out of love, rather than the rest of the world. The harsh approach we take may hurt, but know that in some way we’re toughening you up for the cruel world that is out there.

9. Brothers, by nature, are con artists. We will twist our sister’s arms both figuratively and literally in order to get exactly what we want. I once convinced my sister . It’s not out of maliciousness, though, We teach our sisters how to tell when they’re being taken advantage of. We teach our sisters to have x-ray vision for bullshit and trickery. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

eBook ‘Everything Is Embarrassing’ out in 2014.

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