The ‘American Horror Story’ Drinking Game

Finish your drink every time Taissa Farmiga’s character murders a boy with her vagina.

Updated 8 months ago, May 9, 2024

It is no secret that American Horror Story is my favorite show on air right now. Throughout it’s three season run (Coven is currently on air every Wednesdays) I have witnessed all the strange sex, gruesome torture, and savored every moment Jessica Lange graced the screen with her presence. In honor of the third season, I decided to drink a bottle of wine while re-watching some choice episodes from the show.

Reader beware: following all these rules will result in you getting extremely drunk; attempt at your own risk!

Take A Sip

Every time someone cries
Every time someone is slapped
Every time a character smokes a cigarette (seriously though, proceed with this rule with caution- you will get fucked up)
If you’re watching Season 1, every time Dylan McDermott awkwardly cries (take two sips for when he jerks off and cries…because what even?)
Jessica Lange reminds you (and the rest of the cast) who exactly is Head Bitch In Charge
You see a cute man butt
Every time Ryan Murphy very obviously injects social commentary into his plots
People ignore the obvious signs that some supernatural happenings are going down and write it off as them going crazy
Every time there is a flashback
Every time something homoerotic happens

Finish Your Drink When..

Lily Rabe deserves an Emmy nod but is snubbed. (I want justice for Season 2. I need justice to move on)
Someone is slaughtered
(Only applicable to season 3) Every time Taissa Farmiga’s character murders a boy with her vagina (as if I wasn’t scared enough of vaginas)
Every time the season finale fills you with a sense of un-fufillment and bitterness towards Ryan Murphy.

Suggested Drinks: A Bloody Mary (because the name is appropriate and to nurse your impending hangover), Vodka Cranberry (for the red color, and it’s simple to mix while drunk), or you can just drown your sorrows in whiskey while gorging on Halloween candy you bought “for the trick-or-treaters” (it’s okay, we won’t judge too harshly).

Should any player say that Evan Peters’ character, in any season, is someone they’d want as their boyfriend, they must immediately take three shots, promptly go sit in a fucking corner, and contemplate their life choices.

I write this weekly piece as I watch the episode. If you would like to join in next episode and potentially see your input here, live-tweet with me at @ShawnBinder or use the hashtag #AHS4TC so I can read your lovely thoughts!