Damn, Sonic. I know sex sells, but you gotta be more subtle than this. pic.twitter.com/oBUNFTg7OV
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) July 17, 2015
PARENTS! Is your teen a devil worshipper? Terms to look for…
BFFs: Big Fan For Satan
ASL: Attend Sacrifice Later?
IRL: I Recommend Lucifer
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) July 8, 2015
“Golf is such a relaxing sport” I say as I throw my clubs into a lake. “Super relaxing” I say as I drive my cart in after it. “I feel so rel
— Dr. Bucky Isotope, IQ 188 (@BuckyIsotope) July 18, 2015
(Interview to be a hot dog vendor at a baseball park)
INTERVIEWER: how loud can you yell 'hot dogs'?
ME: (eyes go completely black) HOT DOGS
— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) June 21, 2015
New Laws of Robotics
4 A robot may not wear a hat for deceptive purposes
5 A robot may wear a hubcap as a hat; must not conflict with Law 4
— vineyille (Story Thing OUT NOW) (@vineyille) July 16, 2015
"We are all stardust." Neil deGrasse Tyson points at me. "Except you." Startled, I drop my beer can, it rolls to the front of the auditorium
— vineyille (Story Thing OUT NOW) (@vineyille) June 23, 2015
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) July 10, 2013
When the other person cancels first pic.twitter.com/6IrHanRMZT
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 16, 2015
[tries to call psychic hotline from airplane but instead calls radio station]
"hello you're on the air"
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) July 15, 2015
[boss sees pic of baby]
He looks just like you
You think so?
[puts suit on son & sends him to work in my place]
— Jeff Wysaski (@pleatedjeans) April 14, 2015
pretty rude of my friends 2 invite me 2 their dry wedding
— babby gril (@a_cute_bug) July 17, 2015
Yoda: Good idea this was
Me: Told ya
Yoda: BEERS I HAVE HAD
Yoda: Those cops I will fuck with
Me: DUDE WAIT
— Jason (@longwall26) July 14, 2015
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will…we will..miss you"
— brent (@murrman5) July 12, 2015
[After losing a rap battle]
"How did he get a hold of my credit score?"
— Tommytoughstuff (@Tommytoughstuff) July 7, 2015
The minions are like the 2016 GOP presidential candidates. There's too many of them and nothing they say makes any fucking sense.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) July 8, 2015
Thanks for sending flowers but when I said my aunt was sick I meant at freestyle battle raps.
— ceej (@ceejoyner) November 5, 2014
There was a 3 month sweet spot at the end of 2007 where all you had to do to make your movie cool was include MGMT's Kids in the soundtrack
— 10 Gallon Fedora (@sam_reginald) July 8, 2015
Check out this screencap of some idiot on a dating app who reached out to me through the lonely void, fearing this outcome above all others.
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) June 14, 2015
"guys check this out"
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
"Holy shit help"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) July 5, 2015
I named a comet after you. It's called "piece of shit comet"
— Tam Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) February 8, 2015
if hotdogs were called hotcats nobody would eat them
— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 3, 2015
"I just tried to make reservations at the library"
You don't need a res-
"Couldn't get one though"
Don't do this
"They were fully booked"
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) May 4, 2015