"Sure, I'll be there," I politely decline
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) October 8, 2014
What do you mean you're out of Baja Blast pic.twitter.com/5vhxrUdog9
— Thynebear (@Thynebear) September 26, 2014
You can give your carrots names but then it is sadder when you eat them
— Carrot Facts (@RealCarrotFacts) October 20, 2014
Cool kid – "my dad works at Nintendo"
Really cool kid – "my dad is CEO of Nintendo"
Me – "my dad is in hospital because he punched a toilet"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) February 24, 2015
[kisses daughter goodnight]
"Daddy, where do babies come from?"
"Why's it take 9 months?"
Shipping. Go to sleep.
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) February 19, 2015
"dad can I get a tattoo?"
[10 minutes later]
out of curiosity, what did you wanna get?
"dinosaur revving a dirtbike"
I'll ask your mother
— brent (@murrman5) November 6, 2014
*dunks a basketball* you know what's a real slam dunk kids? maintaining a healthy clean ass
— deg (@degg) January 18, 2015
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
— Todd 'Papi' Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) January 16, 2015
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) February 14, 2015
BART: what is your job?
BARTENDER: I am a bartender
*Barts eyes widen*
BART: A Bart ender?
— luke [from online] (@internetluke) February 26, 2015
Old people rude as hell pic.twitter.com/kpGBJjhzYs
— Lee Davis (@Hollywoodheat) February 24, 2015
"Can you describe the snake that bit you?"
Yes it was like an angry rope
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) November 29, 2014
you can't expect me to live my life like this. it's like asking an ice road trucker to truck across a normal road
— sskylark (@sskylark) November 19, 2011
u seem very updog
ur jus so.. updog
u kno, updog
hav u heard of updog
JUDGE: do u or do u not have questions for the witness
— new york times bestselling AUTHOR JONNY SUN (@jonnysun) February 22, 2015
did u know gangnam styles is Harry styles older brother ?
— babby gril (@a_cute_bug) February 24, 2015
French Tom Hanks sits with a typewriter. He begins to type.
Thy red face is a rose"
He sips his wine. pic.twitter.com/gRn21LMqQW
— Vape Extreme (@NoiceVape) February 26, 2015
[after losing boxing match]
"Do u regret saying you could win the fight with one arm tied behind your back"
[looking at wrong camera]
— AnOnion (@onion_an) February 20, 2015
Things I'm not good at making:
— Terry F (@daemonic3) April 29, 2014
there's always one asshole who shows up to a party with an acoustic guitar and 400 lizards
— eric curtin (@dubstep4dads) February 21, 2015
DOG COP: [walks past car]
[sees own reflection in window]
Sir you can't park here
Don't copy me
HE'S GOT A GUN
— Joe West (@joejwest) February 12, 2015