Let’s start with the obvious. Florida is hot.
1. Florida is so hot that when old people retire and move to Florida it’s because they want to start practicing for Hell.
2. Florida is so hot that when you die and go to Hell, you wake up in Boca Raton.
3. Florida is so hot that people crowd around fire to cool down.
4. The only difference between Florida and an oven is that an oven doesn’t produce serial killers.
And let’s set the record straight. Florida isn’t sunny.
5. They call Florida the “Sunshine State,” which is funny because in the twelve years I lived here, it was only sunny for like twenty minutes – when the eye of the hurricane passed over my house.
6. Florida is the only state in the union where zombie-like face eating is a legitimate concern, and where a category-four hurricane is considered a mild weather condition.
Whoever said Jupiter is uninhabitable because of its heat, toxic air, and hurricanes, has clearly never lived in Florida.
7. Whenever I hear a scientist say Jupiter is uninhabitable I always just assume they’re talking about the city in Florida.
8. Nightmares in other states are just visions of what’s really going on in Florida.
9. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the horror movie “War of the Worlds,” but it’s actually just a documentary about a normal week in the state of Florida.
Speaking of disasters:
10. Demi Lovato is from Florida. Actually – I don’t know if that’s true or not but she’s awful so she must be.
I’ll tell you what isn’t from Florida: Jacuzzis.
11. You won’t find a Jacuzzi in Florida, because if a Floridian wanted to suffocate themselves in hot steam they would just walk outside.
It’s redundant here; like saying the words “hot air balloon.”
12. Every balloon in Florida is going to be a hot air balloon. Why are you wasting your time with those extra words? One time I saw a kid blow up a balloon at his eighth birthday party – he was launched into space and none of us ever saw him again. It was terrible. I send his parents a fruit basket every year.
Saying “hot air balloon” in Florida is as redundant as saying you know a Floridian with a roach problem. Of course you know a Floridian with a roach problem. This entire state is a roach problem.
13. Floridians like to say there aren’t roaches in Florida – there’s just “palmetto bugs.” If you don’t know what the difference between a roach and a palmetto bug is – a palmetto bug is a roach with wings that’s large enough to carry away screaming children from their mothers’ arms.
14. One time I thought I saw bear in Miami but it was just a palmetto bug fist fighting a grown man on two legs.
By the way, what’s that smell?
15. This state smells exactly the same way it looks — like a penis.
16. The only reason Florida even exists is because the patriarchy wanted a state that looked like their favorite toy – but when they couldn’t construct a landmass that looked like fresh pair of New Balance sneakers – they settled for a penis.
I’m obviously just kidding. There are some great aspects about Florida. I can’t think about what they are right now, but there’s got to be at least a few.
Oh, I know!
17. If it weren’t for Florida, what would I do with all my Ed Hardy clothes? Where else but Miami can I wear a bedazzled, tiger head muscle-shirt and have people just assume I enjoy bottom-shelf liquor and house music?
18. And if Florida disappeared tomorrow, how would Governor Rick Scott get back to his home planet? Hot air balloon?
I’m writing this on my way to my college graduation, reminiscing on all the great moments I’ve had here – like watching a man stare at me while he put out a cigarette on the side of his neck, having two individual hawks attack me on my morning run, and walking face-first into a million clouds of gnats.
19. I almost feel bad about leaving Florida. Without my hair and eyeballs to catch them by the millions, the gnat population is sure to quadruple in size.
I can’t be too upset, though. Living somewhere else will be a breath of fresh air.
20. No, really. I’ve been holding my breath for someone in Florida to use their turn signal and I haven’t breathed since 1993.
21. I don’t know what goes on at the DMV in Florida but I’m pretty sure they just tell you not to drive into canals and they snap your picture – a hideous picture, which Floridians usually have to show the police officer after they drive into their first canal.
I have a friend that flipped her car into the Everglades in the middle of the night and had to climb a tree so she could jump to the other side of the barbed-wire fence and flag down an oncoming truck for help. Notice I didn’t list this one because it’s not a joke.
Before you ask: no, she wasn’t eaten by an alligator. Alligators are harmless.
22. The only gator you need to worry about is the one that wears bright orange and jeans shorts. Those are the aggressive ones you can’t escape from. Don’t believe me? Just ask them why their sports teams suck…
All right, Florida.
23. It’s time for me to make like presidential election ballots and disappear.
24. It’s been fun.
25. I’m going to miss it here.