What ‘Twilight’ Taught Me About Vampires That ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’ Didn’t

Prepare for the following statement to shock you: Twilight and Dracula actually share a lot in common.

At their core, both revolve around matters of the heart and vampires falling in love with human girls. Yet, despite the similarities, Twilight teaches the audience lessons about the bloodsuckers that Bram Stoker’s seminal novel never did. Uh-huh.

Oh, yes, this isn’t a gag! Think of the world created by Stephenie Meyer as The Human’s Handbook to All Things Vampiric and Supernatural. There’s a lot to learn from the books and movies, and this franchise deserves all the credit for helping us to get to know these poor misunderstood souls – but wait, do vampires even have souls? Uh, let’s just roll with it.

Vampires are fantastic emo musicians

A few times during Twilight, Edward Cullen sits at his piano and rips out a somber tune. All that’s missing is the cigarette dangling from his lips and the glass of whiskey next to him. He doesn’t seem to know the happier, bouncier numbers, or even how to play a killer track such as Elton John’s “Sacrifice” or something from The Lion King. Instead, he dances his fingers on the keys to produce the saddest songs imaginable. It fits the mood of the series, really, since Twilight loves bands like Death Cab For Cutie, Bon Iver, and Paramore. Judging by this, it wouldn’t be outside of the realm of possibility to think that Edward might even be a huge My Chemical Romance fan. Whichever way, if he ever decided to stop pining over Bella Swan, he would have made a great emo musician in the 2000s.

‘Twilight’ proves vampires are terrible at baseball

Oh, how is this possible? The Cullens looked like they were having the time of their lives playing baseball and the whole family was into it, right? Yeah, they were and no one can question they know their stuff. But did you see them leaping around and using their supernatural abilities? That isn’t in the rules of the game. This unequivocally proves that vampires are cheats and would rely on their abilities to influence the outcome of a baseball game. Sorry, but this is no fun. Imagine playing against someone who had a built-in cheat code every time they stepped onto the ballpark and wanted to play. No, thanks. Let’s stick to professional wrestling instead.

A vampire’s home doesn’t need to look like an old, unkempt tomb

Look, Count Dracula’s castle in Bram Stoker’s Dracula held a charming, classic gothic quality, but you could smell the dust and mold a mile away. Everything was old and from centuries gone by. It’s sort of like going into a relative’s home and seeing they still have the same floral and fruit curtains in their kitchen that they bought in the ’70s. It’s kitsch, begging for someone to call up the Extreme Makeover: Home Edition team. The Cullens don’t subscribe to this principle, though. They keep up with the decor of the modern era to create an inviting and aesthetically pleasing home that looks like something out of a catalog. Seriously, who wouldn’t want to live in such a lavish and stylish home?

Vampires appreciate the company of friends and family

Whether it’s Count Dracula or Count Orlok, they appear to be loners – doomed to wander this world by themselves. Maybe that’s why they’re so obsessed with finding that one girl who’ll stand by their side – by hook or by crook. The Cullens and other vampire families don’t share the same sentiment. They travel in packs rather than stomp along on their lonesome. It makes you realize that they enjoy being in the company of friends and family. They don’t just play the “woe is me” card about having eternal life and seeing everything they love wither, since they know there are others out there like them.

Vampires do have a sense of humor

Count Dracula is a straight-up weirdo. Even when he tries to be friendly, he looks like a predator trying to disarm and lure the lamb into his lair for feasting activities. Someone like Edward doesn’t come across in the same way. Yes, he’s got his creepy characteristics in terms of how he treats Bella at times, but when he isn’t trying to be too melodramatic, he shows Bella how he’s quite the joker. After all, who else calls another person a spider monkey in real life? Also, when Bella asks him if he’s serious about the marriage proposal in The Twilight Saga: New Moon, he replies, “I’m nearly 110. It’s time I settled down.” Now, that’s a funny line. Give him a standup special already, Netflix.