Single introverted men are some of the most intriguing people on the planet.
Every time someone asks me what I do at Introverted Alpha, I say, “I help smart introverted men attract women naturally,” and they’re like, “What?! Tell me more! That’s fascinating. I want to hear everything…”
They start asking questions, and I know immediately I can forget about sitting back and listening because for the rest of the night, I’m talking about the men I love and support.
Through my years of working with introverted men, I’ve discovered 10 common fears they seem to all have in common when it comes to dating and attraction. I’ve gotten the immensely satisfying pleasure of watching them overcome ALL these fears I’ve mentioned below.
It’s also important to note that not all introverted men have all these fears, just the ones who haven’t yet cracked the code on finding their own natural groove with women.
When guys handle this part of their lives in a way that feels genuine and real for them, the fears below fade away and are replaced with the love and warmth of extraordinary women who adore them.
Before that point though, here are the fears racing through a lot of single introverted guys’ minds and my best tips on how to move through each:
1. What if she thinks I’m creepy for wanting to talk to her?
I’m afraid I’ll just be one of the other million guys hitting on her tonight. What if she and her friends think I’m delusional for even thinking I could approach her? Knowing she might be RIGHT about that is what keeps me from approaching women at all.
Sound familiar? Here’s what to do: If you are (a) good-hearted and (b) presentable (well-groomed, taking care of yourself, etc), you are NOT delusional! The next time you’re out, try on this mindset for fun: “I know I’m an attractive man, and she seems like an attractive woman, so of course it makes sense for us to connect.”
Notice that in the above, you KNOW you are attractive because you are yourself, so you know yourself well, whereas she SEEMS to be attractive because you’ve not yet gotten a good enough sense of her to know whether you find her truly attractive or not.
So instead of, “She’s definitely attractive, and who am I to approach her?” it’s more like, “Well I’m clearly attractive, and I’m open exploring where this may go.”
2. What if I touch her at the wrong time or don’t touch her at all?
I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place because if I don’t touch her at all or enough, she’ll just think of me as a friend, right? But if I touch her too much or at the wrong time, I’ll creep her out. I wish touch would just magically happen and that I could always know what to do!
Sound familiar? Here’s what to do: If chemistry feels like a foreign language, remember that it is just that: a LANGUAGE. The great thing about a language is you can learn it!
The way I teach it is there are three stages of touch between you and a woman you’re attracted to: (1) Friendly Touch, (2) Flirtatious Touch, (3) Making The First Kiss Inevitable.
You can progress as quickly or as slowly through those stages as you want, and you’re never obligated to go further than you want to. You’re also reading her at each stage so that you never go too much more slowly or quickly than the vibe calls for.
A good way to get started on this is to introduce light friendly touch when you or she has made a point or shared a laugh in conversation. You can lean in a bit, touch her lightly on the forearm, hand, or knee if you’re sitting, and watch for her reaction.
If she seems relaxed and excited by your touch, great! It means she’s warm to you and is receptive to more of that. If she shrinks back, then also great! It’s information that she’s not warm to you yet. At least you get clear signs rather than just assuming she’s not interested.
When your eyes are open and eager to read the language, you’ll see many times, women ARE interested in you and really enjoy your touch.
3. What if I’m just inherently not sexually attractive?
Sometimes I worry that while I have a lot of great qualities, they might not be appealing on a chemistry level. I feel like my strengths of being a good listener, supportive, and loyal make me a good FRIEND, but not a good LOVER or BOYFRIEND. I look at the guys who are super bold with women and worry that’s what it takes to be sexually attractive. The truth is, I’m just not that guy.
Sound familiar? Here’s what to do: If you think about it, you know you do have some sex appeal in there somewhere, even if you have no idea what it is yet. It’s important to go on that quest to find out what is sexually attractive about you because if you don’t know, how on earth will she?
Here’s how: For the next several days and weeks, be on the lookout for women attracted to mysterious, quiet men. You can look out for this in movies you watch and in everyday situations you see at work, among friends, and out and about.
Ask yourself, “What does she see in this reserved, quiet man? How is he appealing to her, and what do I have about me that is similar?” Just asking the right questions is half the battle sometimes.
When you know why and how you’re attractive, you can stop relying on luck to facilitate women being attracted to you. You can intentionally turn up the dial on your own unique attractive edge and watch women become intoxicated with you. There is nothing more fun than that!
4. What if I friend-zone myself again?
With every single woman I meet, I seem to end up as their friend. Even if I have an inkling that a woman likes me, I’m not sure. When I’m not sure, I’m too afraid to do anything. I don’t want to get to the end of my life where all I have left is a bunch of regrets from missed opportunities. I know that’s depressing, but that’s how I feel sometimes.
Sound familiar? Here’s what to do: If you think about it, I bet you can remember times where you COULD have made a move with an interested woman, but you didn’t. What friend-zoned you there was not being upfront and bold about how you feel.
How can a woman be attracted to a man who practically forces her to prove to him that she likes him? That’s not right. So here’s how to move forward when you’re unsure: invite her on a DATE early on.
“You want to maybe hangout sometime?” is not a date.
“I’d like to take you to drinks this week,” is a date.
If it takes you a long time to warm up to people, it may take you a few different times seeing a woman before you know whether you’re interested or not, and that’s okay.
When you give yourself time to get to know her on a date, you’re not forcing anything. You’re just exploring a potential possibility with her, while she’s doing the same with you.
5. What if women only like extroverted men?
The guys who get all the girls seem to be the “life of the party” type. They always have something to say, and they’re naturally loud and outgoing.
I’m not like that.
I know I have a lot to offer, but being more reserved means it’s harder to show that, at least quickly. It takes me a long time to warm up to people, and I worry that the current dating environment is not conducive to that.
Sound familiar? Here’s what to do: Focus on what you DO have to offer. Study men you admire and relate to, and ask your female friends and family what they like about you.
Consider these 7 Reasons Introverted Men Are So Damn Attractive. Open your mind, and be curious, and your confidence will follow.
6. What if she finds out that I’m inexperienced with women?
Because it takes me a long time to warm up to people, I’ve not had a lot of experience. Pretty much the only experiences I’ve had are with women who initiate with me, and if I’m honest, I’ve never really felt like *I’m* the one choosing. No matter how much I try to make myself, it just never feels natural to approach women.
Sound familiar? Here’s what to do: While yes, women do tend to prefer men who know what they’re doing, even MORE than that, warm and loving women prefer men who are open to learning them and what they uniquely like.
If you’re just going to bulldoze through without taking her into consideration because you’re “experienced,” that’s not sexy. And it’s what many men do. You would never do that.
What you’ve got going for you is your innate sensitivity and intuition about reading a woman and what turns HER on uniquely. Because of your thoughtfulness, you have the makings for a skilled lover, even before you’ve had a lot of experience.
7. What if I’m bothering her by saying hello?
When I see a girl I’m attracted to, I always feel weird just randomly approaching her. The last thing I want is to feel like she’s only talking to me because she thinks she has to. Either she’s already having a good time, or she’s busy. She’s not just staring blankly at a wall, waiting for me to roll up to her and start talking.
Sound familiar? Here’s what to do: Even if you’re interrupting something, oftentimes an interruption is welcome if it provides a nice change of pace. Interruptions are not inherently bad or unpleasant.
Focus on being pleasant and relaxed yourself first.
When you’re relaxed, it helps her to relax, and she is likely to enjoy the feeling of your attracted attention on her when it is so relaxed and non-demanding. You can even say, “I don’t mean to interrupt, but you really struck me, and I had to come say ‘hello.’”
If she’s disoriented or not receptive, you can tell her with a smile, “That’s all. Enjoy your day, and just know that you’re gorgeous,” or whatever feels natural for you. Zan Perrion talks about this beautifully on this episode of the Knowledge for Men podcast.
8. What if she thinks I’m boring?
What if I run out of things to say halfway through the conversation, and we have a super awkward silence? I’m not that good at keeping conversations alive. What if I’m talking about things she’s not interested in or ask her questions that are boring for her to answer?
Sound familiar? Here’s what to do: Pay close attention, and follow the thread of interest. An easy thing to talk about is the environment you’re both in: the weather, the drinks, the music, that puppy over there. Anything pleasant about where you are. You can check out my free Ultimate Conversation Guide for Introverted Men for more things to talk about.
As you talk and listen, pay attention to where she lights up and then pleasantly say, “Oh I notice you light up when you talk about X. Tell me more about that,” and let her continue. No one is bored when they’re talking about their favorite things to someone who’s interested!
9. What if other people are watching and think I’m trying to be some sort of pickup artist?
I really hate the scammy, sleazy vibe of a lot of “pickup artists” or guys who go out and and spew a bunch of lines at women just to try and get laid. That’s not me! I don’t even feel comfortable touching a woman at first, much less sleeping with her right away.
Sound familiar? Here’s what to do: As a more reserved guy, it’s likely that the last thing you want is to sleep with 10 women this week. And yet, when you approach a woman you’re attracted to in front of other people, you may worry that’s exactly what they’ll take you for. They’ll think you’re just trying to get in her pants, when in reality you’re doing your best to make a genuine connection.
The way to solve this? Remember that people are WAY more interested in themselves than in you. They’re not likely dropping everything to analyze your style. And even if they are, that’s neither here nor there as long as YOU know who you are and what you’re about.
As you communicate your genuine desire to connect more and more clearly through a relaxed and open body posture and an open mind, those fears will fade and you will look and feel more and more genuine — because you will be.
10. What if I have to try to be someone I’m not just to get her attention?
Because of the plethora of pickup artists out there, and even guys who are not into pickup but are just genuinely outgoing and gregarious “life of the party” guys, I worry what room there is left for me. Do I have to be like those guys? I’m not really willing to do that, to be honest.
Integrity is a strong value for me, so I have to be true to myself and what I feel is right deep down. Sometimes I do worry though, what if the only way I can attract women is to be untrue to myself and pretend I’m someone I’m not? Since I’m not willing to do that, what will become of me?
I’ll tell you what will become of you: you will figure this out. You will learn a few core skills and understand how to attract women naturally and genuinely, just as you are.
* * *
All your fears may seem overwhelming, but they are pretty simple underneath. The common thread is not knowing how to attract and date women in a way that feels genuinely good for you.
That is LEARNABLE.
There is nothing inherently wrong with you. There’s nothing inherently unappealing about you.
So remember that. Women love you. They’re fascinated by you. You’re mysterious and intriguing and so much more sexually appealing than you realize.
While there’s still a lot to learn, try this simple next step: Next time a woman smiles at you… smile back at her. Just for fun, just because you feel like making her day, no strings attached.