I would have done anything to keep loving you. I would have walked through the depths of hell and back to see a smile on your face. I can think back and hear your voice, see your smile, and it leaves an aching feeling in my chest. It almost feels as if I feel empty inside, but I feel everything all at once. I don’t know what’s better or worse—when I feel empty, it’s terrifying, and I’ll lead myself into feeling fear. At least fear is something. When I let myself feel fear, I feel pain, anger—everything rushes in at once until I convince myself that being numb is better. Repeat the process over and over. It rushes in and out, and I don’t want to feel anything, but I want to feel everything.
I want to feel the happiness I felt when I was with you. I want to feel everything I felt when we were together. You were my best friend, and I could tell you anything. You may not have known how much you meant to me, but you were one of the most important people in my life. I allowed you to hurt me over and over. Never physically, and I don’t believe it was ever fully intentionally.
We hurt each other though, didn’t we? We did a lot of things—we did things to spite each other, we did things to get reactions from one another. Things went too far more than a few times—there was pain, tears, fear, anger, rage, but there was also happiness, kindness, compassion, laughter, and love.
I would have done anything to hold onto the love. I would have done anything to keep loving you. Except for one thing—I will never give up my dignity. I won’t give up my pride. Your friendship and love meant the world to me, but I’m not going to beg for it. You left, and it hurt. I don’t think you realize I would have done anything to hold onto the friendship.
You were one of the few people I related to. I thought it was going to be a lifelong relationship—friendship, at least. I thought you would be around so much longer than you were. Then you were gone. That was that. It wasn’t a slow process, either. At least I didn’t notice it being done slowly. Maybe it was. I didn’t pay enough attention to you. Maybe I didn’t show you how much I cared about you.
I would have held onto you longer than I should have. I couldn’t bring myself to keep fighting for someone that doesn’t care about me, though. Caring about someone only to meet an empty screen is painful. When you still care, and the phone calls go unanswered, texts are left on read, and any attempt at actually physically being there is left with unresponsiveness.
That is something I won’t do. I have pride. I have dignity. I love myself. And the truth is that I’ll do what it takes to keep loving myself. You were a part of my life, and I never wanted our friendship to end, but when it comes down to things, I know that I would do anything to continue loving myself. Nothing is more important than self-love, and I know I’m going to be okay.
I would have done anything to keep you in my life, but I’m never going to sacrifice myself. I’m never, ever going to give up myself to let you love me. If giving up my self-love is what it takes to keep loving you, then it’s not worth it. You aren’t deserving of my love, time, or energy. You aren’t deserving of my love if you don’t want any time with me.
I’ll never wish anything against you. I hope the world shows you the love and happiness that you deserve, and you do deserve it. You deserve all the love and happiness in the world, and I wish that for you. I won’t say that I see you negatively. I won’t say that you’re a bad person. I won’t say that I hate you or that I even dislike you, because I don’t.
I would have done anything to keep loving you, but I need you to love yourself before you’ll ever realize that my love was worth it. That I was worth it. If you ever come back into my life, I’ll accept you with open arms. Your friendship was always worth it. Please, take your time. Find yourself and learn to love yourself. That’s the best thing you can do. I would have done anything to keep loving you—and I still do. I’m just waiting for you to love you.