1. Passive Aggression.
Snipping at your significant other for talking to another person that there could be potential interest in. They talk to them so frequently, and even if it’s a completely innocent friendship, it’s hard to believe because our LOVELY exes used that as something to get a rise out of us. It comes back to haunt, unfortunately. When something is used so much to get a rise out of us, we’re so likely to revert back to that state if we see something even SIMILAR happening. I know it’s frustrating, but this is a behavior that was used in a rather abusive way – please be patient.
2. We will question ourselves.
Our insecurity is high. If we see you like another person’s Facebook or Instagram photo we’re going to go look at that person – pretty frequently. We’re going to do comparisons and wonder what’s so good about them. What is it about them that you feel the need to check them out. Again, even if this person is JUST A FRIEND of yours, we’re going to feel insecure. We’re going to question ourselves.
3. More questioning, but you know, questioning YOU.
We might not say it out loud, but we’ll do it mentally – and then inevitably it’ll boil over eventually. Why are there so many girls/guys on the Facebook friends list that you hardly ever use, huh? Who’s this girl that you’re texting? Your cousin? Yeah, okay… And then we’re probably going to look the person up just to verify that they’re actually your cousin/whatever you said they were.
4. We’re going to constantly wonder if our feelings are valid.
If something comes up, we really don’t know if we’re overreacting or if we’re underreacting to a situation. Our ex was always hugging on other people, flirting around, whatever. They might not have actually cheated, but we don’t know. We don’t know if you’re looking at another person, we’re going to wonder if we’re actually good enough.
5. Again. WE’RE GOING TO WONDER IF WE’RE ACTUALLY GOOD ENOUGH.
Our self-esteem is so low, we’ve seen our exes comment, like, hug, flirt, etc. When that happens in front of us, we’re going to wonder if we are actually enough for you. Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I actually what you want? How am I supposed to know?
6. Our guards are high.
You’re going to have to climb over the wall. It’s going to be a difficult journey over the wall too, because of everything listed above. We’re also afraid to set boundaries because we’re unsure if they’re appropriate or not- we don’t want to offend anyone because that could just cause issues, so the guard is already high. People pleasing is a pain, isn’t it?
7. Constant reassurance.
It’s going to be a necessity. If you’re talking to someone, we’re going to want to know who they are, where they came from, why haven’t we heard of them before, how long have they been around, do they know that you’re in a relationship, etc, etc, etc. We’re going to constantly fixate on it until we have all the answers.
As I said, these can all be boiled down to jealousy and insecurity, but as a person that I spoke to while writing this said, “I don’t know what your intention is. I don’t know if you’re intending to cheat. I don’t know if you’re looking for another person to be with, or if you’re just friends with that person. I’m afraid to set my own boundaries because I don’t want to cause drama.” It’s going to be hard for us to accept that you’re only friends with someone, it’s going to be hard on you to deal with these things.
This is exactly why one of the most important things in a relationship is communication. We NEED to communicate with our significant others. We need them to know what we’ve been through, they deserve to know that it’s not them that’s caused this. They also deserve to know that this can be solved with proper communication. At the end of the day, we all want to be loved and know that it’s safe to love the person that we care for.