Has it been 35 days since your best friend got engaged, but your own boyfriend seems no closer to proposing than he did last month? At this rate you are going to look like a damn fool at their wedding, since you and your boyfriend actually set them up! You had already been together! For six months! Before you hyperventilate, read these 10 steps to make your boyfriend propose yesterday. Well, not literally, because then you wouldn’t be so mad today. Also, you would have already started dieting.
1. Guilt-trip him.
Does your boyfriend want you to be the only woman without a ring on your finger at work? At your family’s house at Thanksgiving? Doesn’t he know how embarrassing that is? Doesn’t he love you? Remember that time you cleaned up his vomit? And that other time you cleaned up his vomit? (Note: Does he have a drinking problem? Think about it later, after you’re married.)
2. Use sex.
Have that threesome he wants so badly. Make it contingent on a proposal immediately after climax and a written contract to change the proposal story to one involving a beach at sunset and your Labradoodle with a ring box tied to his outfit. (Note: Buy dog outfit in case engagement photographer wants to recreate the moment.)
3. Get really sick.
Tell him your doctor said you have a rare blood disorder. Your blood will freeze if you don’t get a true love proposal. Oh, shoot! That’s the plot from Frozen. Well, he didn’t watch it.
4. Get his mom onboard.
Start calling her to ask for her recipes. Say your boyfriend always preferred her cooking to yours. Say you actually like her more than you like your own mom. Offer to start calling her “Mom” and your own mom “Cheryl.” (Mom will understand that this is all part of getting her a grandchild. I mean, Cheryl will understand. Note: Practice this more.)
5. Get his sister onboard, too.
Tell her about all the hot guys that will be at the wedding. She can have her pick of your ex-boyfriends. And the bachelorette party will be super-fun. And she can wear whatever maid of honor dress she wants. Yes of course she’ll be maid of honor! Your sister will understand, or Cheryl can explain.
Cry a lot. He hates when you cry. Tell him when you’re engaged, you will be too busy being happy and planning your wedding to ever cry again. Also, you will be super-happy and never be mad at him for not texting or for vomiting on your rug. Fiancées are always happy. Also wives.
7. Guilt-trip him again.
Don’t you deserve to be married? It’s all you wanted since last month, and, bigger picture, since you were four. Remember when you cleaned his apartment? Remember when you took him to the doctor when he broke his ankle? Remember when you kissed his friend Josh? (Don’t say that one.)
8. Book the venue.
Guys like women who go after what they want. Guys are also lazy. If you tell him the actual wedding is already booked, what’s he going to do? Probably just show up and go along with it, like he does when you buy tickets to the ballet so you guys can be cultured and not just drink all the time now that you’re technically in your mid-20s.
9. Also, buy the dress.
Wear it around the house a lot. This is a psychology thing called desensitization. If you get him used to you in a wedding dress, he won’t find it aversive anymore. He’ll start to like it. Also, he’ll realize you’re teetering on the edge of emotional and mental collapse and he’ll feel bad enough to propose.
10. If all else fails, just marry him.
He gets blackout drunk every Friday and Saturday night. Is it that hard to have one of your friends get ordained as a minister online and perform the ceremony expeditiously as his head lolls over the table at the bar? Is it that hard to have previously gotten the blood tests done and purchase the rings? Is it REALLY THAT HARD? DO YOU WANT THIS? HOW BAD DO YOU WANT THIS? I thought so.
Now, if this plan doesn’t net you a proposal within the next week, or if he somehow annuls the marriage you conducted “against his will” (no it wasn’t, because he subconsciously wants to be married, or he wouldn’t have dated you for a year and a half), then just dump your idiot boyfriend and find another guy at your best friend’s wedding. Like her brother. That can take some of the spotlight off of her and her dumb marriage.