Why Narcissists Destroy So Deeply

This essay is an excerpt from the book Detached by author Sabrina Alexis Bendory. You can read the full book here.

Narcissists destroy so deeply because they target your deepest insecurities—your need to be loved, seen, or enough—and use them against you. They don’t just break your heart, they crush your spirit and make you question whether you’re worthy of love at all.

This betrayal of your vulnerability creates a wound that feels personal, as if you were uniquely flawed, when in reality, it’s their pathology at play. Their love-bombing hooks you, their devaluation dismantles you, and their discard leaves you grappling with both the loss of the relationship and the loss of trust in yourself. The trauma bond they create keeps you tethered, even when you know they’re toxic, making detachment feel like an amputation of your very identity.

But the discard isn’t the worst part. The worst part is what it does to you.

You start thinking, “How could someone who said they saw my soul treat me like this?” You replay every conversation. You write out long texts and impassioned arguments that make total sense—but somehow, they never seem to land. They deflect. They twist. They make you feel crazy. They will whip up any sort of word salad to make themselves seem completely innocent and you seem completely unhinged.

They were quick to anger? That’s because you’re being difficult and pushing buttons. Caught them flirting with someone else? That’s because you aren’t satisfying their needs. They disappeared for days? That’s because you’re too clingy. They insulted your dreams? That’s because you’re not being realistic.

You think if you just explain it better, say it more clearly, present the evidence, they’ll finally see the light. But they don’t. They never do. And every time you try, you feel smaller until you feel like nothing.

Eventually, you stop fighting. Not because you’ve healed—but because you’re exhausted. And that’s exactly what they want.