I Stopped Blaming Myself For Your Inability To Love Me

How To Love Being Single

You know that expression the grass is always greener on the other side? Well, it’s so obnoxiously true!

When I was single, I desperately craved a steady relationship. Now that I’m married with a toddler and another baby on the way, I have to admit that sometimes I kind of miss being single. Is that terrible? I feel guilty just writing it out. I love my husband and my son to pieces and can’t imagine life without either of them. I love being a mom so much more than I thought I would.

But I do miss being single sometimes. I miss it because I was really good at being single … and I’m not always so good at balancing the endless pile of endlessness when you’re a wife and working mom. I wasn’t a miserable single person, as so many are, and I didn’t treat it like some sort of disease I needed to get rid of. My husband says I romanticize single life and that’s only partially true. There are things I miss, like sleep and freedom, but I do remember how lonely it could be and I remember the terror that would sometimes creep in… the fear that I might end up childless and alone … forever.

A lot of the single women I know feel miserable on account of their singleness and I think that’s exactly what keeps them single. When you can learn to love being on your own then you can experience the benefits that being single has to offer, and there are many! You may not realize it now, but this moment in time is very fleeting, and when it’s gone you can’t get it back. You never again will have a chance to focus exclusively on yourself and your own happiness. It’s a gift. And when you can really recognize this, you will love being single … and this will make you a magnet to attract romantic love.

Here are some ways to love being single:

1. Realize you can do whatever the F you want!

I don’t think you’ll ever fully understand how amazing it is to do whatever you want whenever you want until you don’t have that luxury anymore! You can sleep in on weekends, you can be lazy, you can take an impromptu vacation, you can go out every night of the week. You are free to just do what you want. You are only responsible for your own needs.

Maybe you would happily hand over your freedom for a life of domestic bliss, but don’t dwell on that right now because you’re not there yet. You are where you are, so enjoy it while you have it because you won’t have it for long.

2. You have the time to work on yourself.

The reason I was so happy as a single person is because I really worked on myself. I wasn’t always that way. I spent many years wallowing in the misery of my single status, feeling frustrated by the lack of normal guys out there… and the fact that nothing ever fit. Either the guy was obsessed with me and I just wasn’t into it, or I desperately wanted him but he just couldn’t or wouldn’t commit. I took it all so personally to the point that it really started to wear away at me and turn me into someone I didn’t like.

And then I got a grip and changed my attitude. No more wallowing, no more focusing on what I don’t have and instead, I’m going to make the best of what I do. So I did. I worked on myself and lived my best and happiest life. And when I hit this point of feeling like I had no more growing to do, that I felt fully content and satisfied and maybe even self-actualized, that’s when my husband and I started dating.

Finding the right guy is not going to solve your problems. It won’t suddenly grant you a sense of self-esteem or worth. It won’t erase the pain from your past or cure you of your anxiety and any other issues you suffer from.

You need to fix these things on your own. Having a partner can enhance your happiness but it can’t be your happiness. If you’re single, now is the time to make yourself Into who you want to be! It doesn’t get any easier when you’re in a relationship, and forget it when you have kids.

Now is the time to get a handle on yourself. To think deeply about yourself and what you want in life and what is holding you back. Now is your chance to be purely selfish and while that isn’t necessarily an attribute in the grand scheme, it can be an incredible gift in the meantime. Don’t squander it!

3. Travel, a lot!

Don’t wait around for a man before you see the world, traveling with your friends (or maybe even alone, if you’re that kind of person), can be just as, if not more, amazing.

Waiting for a man in order to do certain things is the exact mentality that will make being single feel like a curse. Don’t put limits on yourself. You can travel while single, and then travel more when you find the right partner. Just live life and enjoy it as much as you can instead of putting “as soon as” restrictions on things.

Traveling is exciting and thrilling and can lead to self-discovery so just do it!

4. Nurture your friendships.

A sad fact of life is that friendships change as you move through life’s stages. When you’re married with kids, your friendships don’t play the same central role they once did, and you’ll miss it a lot someday. That’s not to say you won’t have friends anymore, but those relationships won’t be the same.

I just can’t relate to my single friends in the same way I could when I was in the same chapter in my life. I also don’t have the time or the energy to keep up with them because after 9 pm, nothing is more enticing than my bed!

Now is the time to nurture those relationships and enjoy having that support because it’s a really beautiful thing.

5. Don’t get sucked into negativity.

What exactly does thinking the worst ever accomplish?

Panicking and stressing over your single status will never take you to a good place. It will just fill you with anxious energy that no one will want to be around and it might cause you to make bad choices. If you’re terrified of ending up alone, you may drastically lower your standards, or try to force things to work with a guy who is clearly wrong for you, because something is better than nothing, right?

There will be days when it’s hard and lonely, but try not to feed into it. When you feed the beast, you give it even more power over you and the goal here is to find a way to be empowered on your own.

Just be patient, be positive, be your best self and I promise it will all fall into place. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Sabrina Bendory is a writer and entrepreneur. She is the author of You’re Overthinking It, a definitive book on dating and self-love.

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