Things I Wish My Dad Knew (Without Me Having To Tell Him)

I wish you knew how many tears I’ve shed thinking about what I could’ve possibly done to make you treat your only daughter like this.

I wish you knew how much I blame myself for our shitty relationship, even though you’re a fully grown adult and I’m only 18.

I wish you knew how hard it is for me to see you look at me with heartache and disappointment when my brother packs his overnight bag for your house and I don’t.

I wish you knew how much it fucked me up when my therapist called me a bully and blamed the state of our relationship on me.

I wish you knew how furious and offended I feel when you buy things for your girlfriends, then tell me you don’t have the money to pay for half of my textbooks.

I wish you knew how much I want to hear you tell me you love me and are proud of me for just existing.

I wish you would believe me when I say I love you, because you’re my father and I always will no matter what.

I wish you knew that I know you’re not fine, even though you refuse to admit otherwise.

I wish you would stop saying, “Well thanks for coming,” when I leave your house on Sundays, as if I’m just another guest.

I wish you would stop making me feel so guilty for not wanting to spend time with you, even though you’re the one who caused it.

I wish you knew that you’re the reason why I don’t trust anything any guy has ever told me, romantically or platonically.

I wish you knew how inadequate it makes me feel when you ask what I’ve been up to, so I tell you that I stayed in this weekend to study, and you say, “Really? Why? Isn’t your school a big party school?” instead of praising me for taking my education seriously.

I wish I could tell you that my biggest fear is marrying someone just like you and not realizing it until it’s too late.

I wish you knew much it disturbs me to think about the fact that everything about my first serious boyfriend was identical to you and I didn’t even realize it at the time because fuck, maybe the whole “you marry your dad” thing is true and I’ll never be able to escape it.

I wish you knew how hard I try to protect my little brother from you because the last thing I want is for him to turn into you.

I wish you knew how sad it makes me to think that it’s second nature for me to tell people that my family consists of my mom and brother.

I wish you knew that I understand it’s not your fault that you’re like this, because you grew up in a home where the words “I love you” were never said.

I wish you knew that I cry every time I read the letter you wrote to me and left on my desk when you and mom dropped me off at college, because I’ve been waiting for you to tell me those things for 18 years.

I wish you knew how angry it makes me to think about how shitty you treated mom for almost 20 years because she’s the most loving, hardworking and genuine woman I know, and she deserves to be treated with so much more respect than you ever showed her.

I wish you knew how exhausting it is to constantly be thinking about all of this, and how irritated I get when I think about how many girls don’t have to feel the pain that I do.

I wish you knew how uneasy it makes me when people tell me that you seem like such a great guy because I know deep down that you mean well, and then how sorry I feel for not being able to see that side of you because for some reason when you’re around me, your other side takes over.

I wish you knew how sick to my stomach I feel when mom tells me you treat me like this because I’m so much like her and you can’t stand her.

I wish you knew how much I hate the fact that there’s an entire day designated to the celebration of the role you think you play in my life, even though you’ve done absolutely nothing to deserve it.

I wish you knew that I cried the entire time I wrote this.

I wish I had the guts to tell you all of this and more, and how awful I feel because I know I never will.