10 People You Meet In A Midwestern Bar

So Lance Pauker and I are in Fargo for the week, getting some heapin’ helpings of North Dakota life and culture. While here, one of our main objectives was to get down to the real Fargo — we’ve made it a point to meet and interact with some of the town’s most colorful and authentic characters, and what better way to do that than to hit up a bunch of the local bars. With this in mind, we decided to spend some time at the local watering holes. Here’s who we met:

1. The Lingerer

This guy has a beer in hand that he’s been nursing for the last 45 minutes. He wants to talk to one of the girls in a group, but hasn’t decided which one so he just lingers in their general vicinity.

The girls know he’s there and usually have already decided they aren’t interested in what is now morphing into a human statue, but that isn’t going to stop him from lingering. He’s never going to actually make a move because he’s just not feeling it anymore. “Uff da, why are you still standing there, dude?”

2. Old Man Winter

This is the guy that sort of looks like Old Man Marley from Home Alone. He’s sitting at the end of the bar and sipping on a beer that’s probably not even on the menu anymore. You’d probably never go talk to him, but if you did, he would have some incredible stories that definitely involve a short amount of jail time.

3. Mr. Hustle

Mr. Hustles are mostly at the bar to talk about things like the #grind while attempting to #makeithappen. Think the entire premise of How To Make It In America, channeled into one person.

The key difference between Fargo Mr. Hustle and Mr. Hustle in every other city is that most other cities contain multiple Mr. Hustles. We’ve only encountered one Mr. Hustle thus far, so his hustling features were significantly accentuated.

4. No Nonsense Nancy

I was sitting at the bar, and a very nice girl came up to me and started chatting. The conversation lasted less than a minute — generally a bad sign. Not with No Nonsense Nancy.

“Well…if you’re interested I’ll be over there. Feel free to come by.”

The weirdest part about it was that it didn’t so much feel seductive as it did practical. As No Nonsense Nancy put it, she wasn’t here for the song and dance.

5. Bi-polar Couple

“Is this the greatest night of our lives? You betcha!”

One hour (and several drinks) later: “It’s over! Take your stupid necklace back that you bought me for my birthday! I hate it anyway and I hate you!”

45 minutes (and a club soda) later: “Baby I love you so much. I want to get married and get a puppy. Oh, for cute!”

6. “Chris Daughtry”

This guy knows which bar has karaoke on every night of the week.

He looks like he could play linebacker for the North Dakota State Bison (it’s locally pronounced Bi-zens, by the way) and he’ll sing a song like “The Freshmen” by The Verve Pipe. He’s not a bad singer, but to him, this might as well have been his American Idol audition.

He has a foot on the speaker and a fist in the air during the big notes and rocks the crowd like a hurricane of pleather and facial hair. The next round is on me, Daughtry.

7. Barry Bison

He may have ESPN at home, but if there’s a sporting event, he’s going to be at the bar. It doesn’t matter if there’s glare ice all over the roads, he will find a way.

It’s not even for the big sporting events or his favorite teams. If there’s a college women’s bowling tournament on, Barry Bison will be there slamming back pitcher after pitcher of the opposite of light beer and cheering loudly all by himself.

8. The Texting Trio

Three girls, dressed up in a way that would make it seem they’re only really there to meet guys. But the truth is, they’re only really there to text in a circle.

Again, the bars in major cities generally have multiple texting trios — tribes scattered all across the bar, if you will. In Fargo though, I imagine the texting trio is rather infamous.

9. Farg-Bros

The Bros of Fargo. A few key distinctions from the Bros of America:

They pounded beers instead of shots. Whatever is on tap is just fine.
They all looked like they’d be really good at arm wrestling. Remember when Stallone turned his hat around in Over The Top and became an amazing arm wrestler? That’s who you’re dealing with here.
Their beards look like, instead of striking a match on them, you could rub a log against them and start a fire.

10. The Undercover Party Girl

During the day she was a helpful employee, who encouraged us to look around the store/ask if we needed any help. She was very pleasant, in a homey, reserved sort of way and told us we should definitely try the lutefisk, which is a Scandinavian seafood dish.

At night, she was a lot less reserved. She was off the clock and pounding shots like a woo girl, except the o’s were pronounced a little differently. She could have been any girl at a bachelorette party, even if she spent the whole day as the perfectly girl-next-door Midwestern girl. What happens in Fargo, stays in Fargo.