1. Just because we get an erection doesn’t mean we’re sexually aroused. I’ve gotten them at funerals before and, trust me, that’s not my scene at all. It’s horribly embarrassing.
2. Not all guys want to have sex 24 hours per day. There are times that sex sounds like the worst thing in the world and all I want to do is eat Oreos and watch Netflix.
3. Guys are in the bathroom so long because we start reading useless stuff on our phones and lose track of time. One time I realized I had been reading about old school wrestling so long my feet were asleep and it was getting dark outside.
4. If there’s something you want to try sexually, we’ll try it. We haven’t asked because we’re afraid you’ll say no or think we’re a pervert if that’s not your thing.
5. Not every female friend is someone he wants to sleep with and it’s not because he’s tried and failed. If you make that claim then basically what you’re saying is every guy you’re friends with is trying to sleep with you.
6. If your boyfriend put a password on his phone out of nowhere, he’s talking to another girl. Nobody just suddenly thinks, “It would be nice if it took a little longer to open my phone every single time I was to use it!”
7. We have no idea where your pee hole is or how that works. We just have one hole but you guys have an entire Play Doh fun factory going on down there. Sexually, we can take care of you, but as far as peeing goes, no clue.
8. If your boyfriend wants to hang out with just his friends, don’t ask if you can come along. It’s not an insult to you or meaning that he doesn’t want to be with you. A night apart is great from time to time, especially if you live together.
9. Please keep asking us to kill bugs and open jars. There are very few times when we get to feel like a legitimate tough guy, but that little moment definitely helps.
10. 8 hours of football doesn’t mean it’s the same game for 8 hours. He’s not avoiding you or trying to hide from you. This is seriously the highlight of his year. I know it’s sad, but please don’t judge too harshly.
11. The absolute worst thing you can do is ask if you’re prettier than someone in a movie or magazine. I don’t ask if I’m more attractive than Channing Tatum because, come on. Plus, that’s the product of a team of stylists and photo editors. You’re you. We’re here. Let’s make out.
12. Whatever you do, don’t say bad things about our moms. If she’s a jerk to you, we’ll defend you, but we know she’s insane. We’ve lived with her for the majority of our lives and have learned how to tolerate it. We may call her a psychopath, but just nod and smile.
13. If we get in a fight about something small, give it ten minutes and I promise we’re not thinking about it anymore. Sometimes I forget what the argument is about during the argument.
14. I have no use for a loofah. I’ll just squirt the body wash on my hands and rub it everywhere. I’m sorry.
15. During sex, please don’t ever ask what we’re thinking about. The answer is usually “don’t finish yet, don’t finish yet, don’t finish yet.”
16. Also, during sex, if something isn’t feeling great, feel free to switch up positions. If you’re miserable it’s not going to be enjoyable for anyone. Thanks again for letting us have sex with you.