While everyone in England is well aware of Sarah, Americans may be a little late to the party on one of the funniest comics working today. You should correct that problem immediately.
Starting my chocolate calendar tomorrow. Not an advent one. Just a normal calendar with bars of chocolate sellotaped to all the days.
— Sarah Millican (@SarahMillican75) October 31, 2012
I seriously don’t think there’s anyone on Twitter that is as consistently hilarious as Mary. She’s like a joke making machine. It’s unreal.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me — Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) October 21, 2012
You know how you watch him basically every night on Key and Peele? Why on earth aren’t you following him on Twitter as well? Get your life together.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.” — Jordan Peele (@JordanPeele) July 31, 2013
Sometimes Marie will tweet the funniest thing you’ve read all day, and others she’ll tweet something so self-depreciating you’ll wonder if you should call for help. It’s an interesting ride, but one definitely worth taking.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once. — Marie Colette (@MarieColette) August 7, 2012
There is no other company that has more fun with their social media account than DiGiorno. It’s anything but corporate, as they’ve been known to live tweet everything from NFL games to The Sound of Music.
Is he a teen heartthrob? I can’t answer that. Is he hilarious? Yes. That one I can answer. He’ll probably answer the teen heartthrob one for you himself.
my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner — Conor Tripler (@ConorTripler) October 10, 2012
I’m 90% sure he’s not an actual owl, but deep down I still cling to that 10% chance he’s really a night dwelling bird. Either way, he’s insanely funny.
Babe, I’ve decided to major in fiancé Don’t you mean finance? Haha yeah what the heck?*slips ring back into pocket,will try again next year* — chuuch (@ch000ch) July 28, 2013
Remember the guy who dominated on Jeopardy? For some reason he was given the ability to be smarter than us AND funnier than us.
Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that’s not going to help, stupid. Think about it. — Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) April 16, 2013
I was a fan of Laura on Law & Order: SVU, but she became an absolute superstar with her performance as Elsa in NBC’s The Sound of Music. I’m assuming you didn’t see it, or you’d already be following her.
If I ever say the words “my fantasy football team” just know it is code for “I’ve been kidnapped please help me.” — Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) August 29, 2013
I could go on and on about how consistently funny he is, but this tweet sums it up quite well:
Following Andy gives you the ability to find out breaking news, but in the most informative, yet sarcastic way possible. Plus, his ability to turn the table and troll the trolls is delightful.
If you don’t know the difference between “there,” “their” and “they’re” your a moron. — Andy Levy (@andylevy) May 22, 2012
Rob is fresh out of college and living the dream while working at Amazon in Lexington, KY. Ok, it may not be the dream, but Rob finds a way to take the most mundane event in his day and turn it into something hilarious.
yo fellas how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls facebook picture last year play out — rob whisman (@robwhisman) May 29, 2013
Maggie finds a way to be hilarious in the subtlest way possible. Her humor is never over-the-top or obnoxious. It’s just the right amount and doesn’t come off abrasive.
I would have called my Mom immediately to let her know the babysitter was dead. — Maggie Mull (@IAmMaggieMull) July 7, 2013
The star of every movie you loved growing up seriously has some fun online. He recently live tweeted his 10 year old kid’s school holiday party and introduced us to a burrizza. I’ll let you find out what that is on your own.
My thoughts prayers go out to all those affected by a new actor playing a superhero and the rest of us who have to read the tweets about it. — Red Nose (@RyanPhillippe) August 23, 2013
Erin Mallory Long
Erin is a walking encyclopedia for most of your favorite shows, including Friends and The Simpsons. Plus, she’s a great writer who never fails to entertain.
I just cleaned the entire apartment so I simultaneously want everyone to come over and also don’t want anyone to come over again ever. — erin mallory long (@erinmallorylong) October 15, 2013
If you have no other reason to follow arguable THE GREATEST GUITARIST OF ALL TIME, do it for the fact that he has created the greatest emoticon of himself that the world will ever see.
“A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill iii|; )’
— Slash (@Slash) January 16, 2012
He’s one of the funniest comics working in LA today, and his style of comedy translates flawlessly to the internet. Be sure to check out his sketch group, Women, as well.
Are you a tits man or a man who is not a sociopath and views women as more than just some random body part
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) September 15, 2013
You may know Rutledge as the host of the American version of Top Gear on the History Channel, but soon you’ll know him for his deep love of Saved by the Bell.
Some d-bag just gave us the bird for some reason, so I gave him “JAZZ Hands!” He seemed very confused. Try it! — Rutledge Wood (@RutledgeWood) August 20, 2012
If you’ve visited UCB in New York there’s a good chance you’ve seen Eli in action. Otherwise, you just have to settle for his amazingly brilliant comedy online with the rest of us.
I acted like I was hyperventilating and had to breathe into a paper bag but really my pet frog was in there and I was sneaking smooches. — Eli Terry (@EliTerry) January 30, 2013
Take all of your Oreos and throw them in the trash, because Yo’ Dough not only posts pictures of the most amazing cookies you’ve ever seen, they’re also available to purchase! Just be warned, you’ll gain a pound every time you refresh his page.
Joel David Moore
You know the guy you loved in Dodgeball and Avatar? It turns out he’s great on Twitter as well! On a side note, if you haven’t seen Hatchet yet and you’re a fan of horror, go watch it immediately.
‘Wait, if you’re here, and I’m here, then who’s watching THE MONKEY!!!’ — the way I want every tv show to start. — Joel David Moore (@joeldavidmoore) September 14, 2012
Jake has a completely unique approach to Twitter. He’s an incredible voice actor, so he’ll take funny tweets others have done and do a dramatic reading of them.
Gavin Speiller’s idea of writing a page to a fictitious script may not seem like anything special at first, but as soon as you read how brilliant the jokes are in each one, you won’t be able to stop. It’s wonderful.
If you prefer your baseball news from someone who isn’t a 300lb guy trying to start fights with retired pitchers, you’re in for a treat!
Molly doesn’t do any gimmicks or have any sort of Twitter character. Her tweets are simply hilarious observations from her day-to-day life and you’d be silly not to follow her.
Are you the person who says, “Let’s eat outside?” Congrats! Everybody hates you. — molly (@Molly_Kats) June 24, 2013
If you watched Firefly then I don’t need to explain why you should be a fan of Jewel Staite. If you haven’t watched Firefly, I really question your taste in television. She’s always great.
“Sorry, what’s your name?” “Jewel.” “Julie?” “Jewel.” “June?” “JEWEL.” “Jewan?” “Yes. Yes, my name is Jewan.” — Jewel Staite (@JewelStaite) September 18, 2013
The creator of Epic Meal Time also has one of the most majestic beards you’ve ever seen. I know the combination of a huge beard and cooking don’t normally mesh well together, but if you’ve seen their show, it’s anything but traditional.
“Yo it’s your boy! You already know who it is!” -every rapper that is not your boy and who you do not know — Harley Morenstein (@HarleyPlays) August 23, 2013
If you want to know what’s happening in the video game world before anyone else, you need to follow Brian, the Executive Editor over at IGN. It also helps that he’s hilarious.
Are snitches still eligible for stitches under Obamacare? — Brian Altano (@agentbizzle) September 26, 2013
Remember that kid who sat in his room and played video games all the time while everyone else went outside to play? Now he’s grown up and one of the funniest people on the internet!
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious — Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 14, 2012
A nice little undiscovered gem is this lovely fella from Wisconsin. You may not know his name, but once you follow, you won’t forget his consistently hilarious one liners.
I have washboard abs! I have pots and pan arms. Roller skate feet. A microwave head. Why did you create me like this. Will I ever know love — Holidayteam15 (@greenteam15) October 6, 2012
I have never seen anyone write so many brilliant jokes about so many different topics, than he does. It’s almost not fair to other joke writers.
The best time to wink is when you say someone died of natural causes. — Ceej (@ceejoyner) October 1, 2013
If you’re in LA and you have to get up early for work, she’s the one that entertains you on Good Day LA, but the best is when she tweets during her hangovers. Way to suffer for your art, Lauren.
Hey kids crying in restaurants: take your feelings outside or learn to bury them like the rest of us.
— Lauren Sivan (@LaurenSivan) December 30, 2012
The Superstar of YouTube has managed to create a Twitter account that is so full of joy, it’s impossible to read and not be in a good mood. He’s funny, he’s smart, but most of all, he’s an incredibly nice guy.
My iMessage is down… which means I have to text my friends like I’m some common peasant. Ugh. Life is so hard.
— Tyler Oakley (@tyleroakley) October 25, 2012
One of my all time favorite directors also has one of my favorite accounts on Twitter. If he’s working on a film, you’ll get lots of behind the scenes photos and tidbits of information as well.
Happiness doesn’t come from following your dreams. It comes from discovering what you’re good at, and doing that. — James Gunn (@JamesGunn) July 29, 2011
A lot of funny people are incredibly mean, for some reason. Abbi is the rare combination of being very funny and one of the nicest people you’ll ever have the privilege of interacting with.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.” — Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) January 7, 2012
He’s absurdly brilliant and never boring. What more could you want in a Twitter account?
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain — Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) September 9, 2012
It’s not as much about the individual tweet, as much as it is looking at her entire timeline as a whole. Or you could buy your ticket to this completely ridiculous movie she pitched to M. Night Shyamalan that he responded to, for some reason:
So many musicians have painfully boring accounts filled with nothing but tour dates and retweeted compliments. Josh, who you should know from Twenty One Pilots makes following bands on Twitter fun again.
Just accidentally butt-dialed my friend. Then butt-ordered two large pizzas. Then butt-ate those pizzas. — Josh Dun (@joshuadun) July 5, 2013
He’s one of the best movie critics on the Internet and, more importantly, has a deep love for cats.
Dear 3D, it’s not working out. We’re through. It’s not me, it’s you. I just want to see real movies. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT. — Scott Weinberg (@scottEweinberg) August 22, 2011
He won’t flood your timeline, but you’ll look forward to every tweet he posts because they’re all brilliantly funny. If his tweets weren’t enough, his Instagram is equally amazing.
If you’re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you’re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) August 27, 2012