12 Things I Learned From Home Alone

1. If your child suggests that everyone in his family hates him, don’t reassure him of your love. Instead tell him to wish for a new family.

2. The city of Chicago does a terrible job tending to their streets after a snowstorm and simply depends on sad, old men to take care of it for them.

3. Tarantulas are the most low maintenance pets. You only have to feed them a load of mice guts every few weeks.

4. If you misbehave badly enough, you’ll be sent to the top floor, by yourself, without dinner, and won’t even be allowed to put on pajamas or take your shoes off before going to bed.

5. The pizza delivery guy will let you and your family eat the entire meal he just delivered while he patiently waits by the front door. It’s no problem at all.

6. If a kid doesn’t know how to pack his suitcase, don’t worry. He’s just been too busy learning how to fight criminals like a young Jigsaw killer.

7. If you ever need information on the amount of armpit hair French women prefer to have, this is the guy with all of the answers.

8. It’s a legal requirement for one member of your household to dress like a pilgrim that landed on Plymouth Rock and was immediately greeted by Lisa Frank, who then designed all of her wardrobe.

9. The easiest job in the world to kidnap children is an airport shuttle van driver. They can’t resist learning about the type of transmissions in commercial vehicles.

10. Someone in their family was packing for a trip to France and thought, “Hmm, what am I going to do in Paris that’s fun? Oh I know! I’ll bring my yo-yo!”

11. Remember how Kevin went to bed in his regular clothes? Sometimes if you’re in a very deep sleep, a wizard will come in and change you into old man pajamas.

12. That same wizard will also put styling product in your hair so you look like a sleepy version of Stryper’s bass player.