For the first time in a really long time, I’m finding beauty in being on my own. In taking care of myself for once. In waking up every day trying to do something solely for the sake of my happiness. Trying to do something that will bring me closer to my dreams. For the first time in a really long time, I truly want to be on my own. It’s not a show. It’s not an act to sugarcoat ‘loneliness.’ It’s never been as real as it is now. For the first time in a really long time, I am admitting that I may be emotionally unavailable, that I still need time to heal.
And that’s okay, it’s okay to admit that you’re a bit lost and you’re still figuring things out, it’s okay to admit that you’re not sure if you’re ready to dive back in and give your heart to someone and it’s okay to take all the time in the world to understand what you want, who you are and who you’re truly looking for. It’s okay as long as you’re honest with yourself and others, as long as you’re not leading anyone on and as long as you take the necessary steps to heal from within.
For the first time in a really long time, I’m not looking for healing in others. I’m not seeking validation to feel better about my own wrongdoings or shortcomings. For the first time in a really long time, I’m truly learning what it means to forgive myself, to stop beating myself up for every little mistake. I’m truly learning what it means to have the courage to redeem myself and admit that some things were all my fault and it’s never too late to try and rectify them.
And that’s okay, it’s okay to look inside for all the answers, it’s okay to relearn how to trust yourself again and embark on a new journey. It’s okay to start over and admit that for the longest time you haven’t been doing things right or you weren’t in the right state of mind. It’s okay to realize that maybe you were the problem and start looking for solutions. As long as you’re determined to be the best version of yourself. As long as you’re ready to walk away from certain people and situations that aren’t going to help you rise above all the challenges and as long as you’re ready to do whatever it takes to live a healthy life including changing yourself.
For the first time in a really long time, I’m not afraid of change. I’m actually looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to the things I’ll find out along the way, the people I’ll meet, the secrets I’ll unravel, the people I’ll love, the people I’ll forgive, the people I’ll say goodbye to. I’m looking forward to changing myself again, I’ve done it before so many times only because I had to, only because I had no other choice but for the first time in a really long time, I’m changing because I want to. I want to change so many things, I want to become so many things and I think I finally figured out where to start…..and for now, it’s my journey. Mine alone. For now, it’s a solo ride.