It feels different this time.

It feels like the last time.

It’s not like all the other times where I took my word back and stuck around.

It’s not like all the other times when I said I’d leave but I knew I’d always come back and stay.

It’s not like all the other times when my heart still had more love and chances to dole out to you.

It’s for real this time.

Here I am, taking one last look at our favorite restaurant and our favorite bar, and all the nights I had to drink my pain away.

Here I am, standing in front of my favorite monument, taking one last look at the place that held my secrets and wiped away my tears.

Here I am, taking it all in so I can release it all out.

Here I am saying one final goodbye because I know this time there’s no looking back.

Here I am learning how to live without you again. 

I don’t know if I’ll miss you and I don’t know if I’ll miss the place we once called home, but I know that at this moment, I miss myself more. I’ve locked the real me inside for so long. I was forced to become someone else to make you and everyone else here happy. But I’m finally done with it all.

I’m finding myself before I find you this time.

I’m choosing myself over you this time.

I don’t always understand the universe but I know that it has my back and it’s been giving me all the signs I need to move forward. The universe is not holding back this time. The universe is telling me that this is the end of this story. This is the end of our time together.

There’s no more room for me here in your heart or in your home. There’s no room for me here in this city or in this crowd.

It feels different this time.

Because here I am standing still at the place where it all started and I don’t feel a thing. Like it was all a bad dream and now it’s over. I look at the people around me running around like I once did — trying to find themselves or find someone to love and I remember that not too long ago, that was me. Not too long ago, I thought you were the answer but now I know that the answer will always be with me. 

But here I am standing still, smiling, because I know this is the last time I’ll be here drenched in loneliness, anxiety and fear and I know this the last time I’ll think of you.

Here I am smiling, because I know that from this moment on, I won’t allow anyone to dictate my future for me. I won’t allow anyone to tell me how I should live my life. It’s all mine now. It’s all coming back to me.

I’m going back home….to myself.