This Is Me Finally Losing Interest

This is me finally losing interest in us. This is me finally understanding that taking too long to text back and putting in minimal effort and not trying to be a part of someone’s life is not how you build a relationship or get to know someone. It’s not that you’re busy or confused or scared or all over the place. It’s not that you don’t know what you want and you need more time to figure it out. It’s not an excuse to be an asshole. This is you. This is the person you choose to be with me. This is the kind of love you think I deserve. This is you doing everything that could potentially hurt me while you’re well aware of it.

This is me finally giving up on ‘trying.’ This is me finally taking it all back. No more initiating. No more waiting. No more being the bigger person. No more trying to make excuses for you. No more trying to be your friend first. No more trying to show you the best in me. No more trying to act like I don’t know how many other girls you’re talking to and how many other games you’re playing and how many lies you’re telling.

This is me waking up. This is me realizing what I deserve.

This is me finally seeing you for who you really are. This is me forgetting your potential, forgetting how you made me feel, forgetting the person you were when you were trying to charm me. This is me understanding that it was all a game. It was another one of your great performances. Another one of your lines. Another way to get attention and leave once you have it.

This is me remembering my self-worth. This is me remembering that I deserve consistency, communication, effort and support. This is me remembering that just because you text me randomly a few times doesn’t mean you want to talk to me forever. This is me remembering that if you can’t celebrate my accomplishments with me or be there during my hardships then you’re clearly not serious about me. You’re taking me lightly. You’ll never value me. You’ll never make me a better person. You’ll never be the person I want next to me when all my dreams come true.

This is me finally accepting that I’ll always need more than what you can give me. I’ll always want someone who goes out of their way for me. I’ll always want someone who never gets tired of talking to me or seeing me or asking me questions about my life. I’ll always want more and it’s not a crime. I’ll always want something real even if we start off casually. I’ll always want a love that feels like home. I’ll always want something meaningful and strong and genuine.

This is me finally understanding that anything is not better than nothing. That nothing is better than almost. That I’m not going to waste any more time trying to convert guys who aren’t ready and wait for the ones who already are.

This is me finally losing interest in anyone who makes me question their feelings, their intentions or their level of interest. This is me finally losing interest in anyone who makes me feel like I’m hard to love or easy to leave or easy to forget. This is me finally losing interest in anyone I’ve ever liked because no one turned out to be the one and no one truly chose me and waiting for them to come back is pointless. 

This is me guarding my heart until I find the person who will choose me over and over again.