Thought Catalog

This Place Is Not For Me Anymore

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Tom Eversley

These streets aren’t helping me walk anymore. They don’t move me. They don’t inspire me. They don’t excite me anymore. These streets all look the same to me. These corners are now filled with painful memories. This city is now the hub of a life gone to waste and love stories turned to tragedies.

These homes don’t make me feel safe anymore. They scream loneliness. They scream confusion. They scream disappointment. These homes are all temporary. They don’t feel like forever. They don’t want me to build a future in them, they don’t want me to build a family. These homes will always find a replacement. These homes are not looking for people who want to stay.

These faces are getting old. They say words they don’t even mean. They give hugs that lack warmth and love. They give me advice like I’m a robot, not a human being. They touch me but they don’t feel me. They look at me but they don’t see me. I feel better without them. I crave my distance away from them now. I don’t look forward to the next time I’ll see them. I don’t feel like they understand me and I don’t feel like I belong. Like I’m one of them. I never did.

Time is running. Time is flying. The world is moving on and this place makes me feel stuck. It feels like I’m spinning in the same cycle. I feel like I’m running but I’m not really going anywhere. I feel lost. I feel drained. I forgot what’s it like to shine. I forgot what it’s like to glow. I forgot what it’s like to take a break and enjoy life.

This place is not for me anymore. As much as I wanted it to be, as much as I fought so hard to belong, to make it, to live peacefully in it. It’s just not for me.

Maybe cities are a lot like relationships, if it’s not meant to be, it will never feel right, it will never feel like home, it will never work no matter how hard you try. Maybe this whole time I’ve been in a one-sided relationship but I was in denial. Maybe this whole time I was trying to find forever with someone who’s only looking for a fling.

But now I learned my lesson, I know what I want. I want forever. I want a home. I want to wake up every day enthusiastic with a smile on my face. I want to feel like I belong. I don’t want to feel unwanted. I don’t want to feel unloved. I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing something that’s not meant to be.

I’m tired of running. I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of faking it. I’m tired of pretending to be someone else.  

It’s time for me to move on. It’s time for me to walk away. It’s time to pack my bags and look for my next home. This place is not for me anymore. This place won’t even miss me. This place won’t even care that I’m leaving. This place never really wanted me to begin with. TC mark

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.

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