I lost my respect for you and it’s been extremely hard to get it back. I’ve been finding it difficult to respect you again. I’ve been struggling with forgetting more than forgiving. I’ve been struggling with seeing you without replaying everything you’ve said and done the night you showed me your true colors.
It’s hard for me to respect you again knowing you’re capable of telling me the words that you said, knowing that if I hit a nerve, your reactions can be appalling, your words can be demoralizing and your actions can be so ruthless.
It’s hard for me to respect you again knowing that you’ve seen me cry and did nothing about it, knowing that I was alone shattered by what you’ve done and you didn’t even try to see how I was doing, you didn’t even try to apologize, you did nothing.
How can I respect you again when you made it clear that you don’t respect me? How can I trust you again when instead of teaching me how to swim, you almost drowned me? How can I depend on you to catch me when you’re the one who pushed me down?
You expect me to pretend that I’m okay, that I’ve moved on and forgotten so people don’t see what’s behind closed doors, so they don’t understand that our love was just one big lie. You expect me to pretend that we’re okay because we have to keep up appearances, we have to pretend like we’re one, we have to pretend like we care about each other, we have to pretend that we’re unbreakable because that’s how it has always been. We’ve always done things so people can’t see the truth that you’ve been trying to hide. We’ve always played by your rules because you don’t have any other game, because you’ll lose if you showed them who you really are.
But I’m here to tell you that I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t look at you and smile because all I can remember is your abuse. I can’t look at you and feel genuine love because you’ve made my life a living hell and I can’t look at you and pretend like you have my back because I don’t feel safe with you anymore.
You’re no longer my home. You’re no longer my sanctuary. You’re no longer the person I want to be associated with.
I lost my respect for you and ultimately, I lost my love for you and I can’t get them back. And I don’t know if I ever will.