The reason why so many people hate modern dating so much is because everyone is attracted to one another but no one actually wants to make an effort to get to know the person they’re attracted to.

It’s not that the attraction is not there, it is, but the effort is lacking in all aspects; starting from the simplest text exchange to actually planing to spend time together, something is always missing, something is always not right and it always feels harder than it should be.

Attraction is important but attraction without effort will get you nowhere.

Because effort means consistency, it means trying, it means communicating even when you’re busy, it means spending time together even if you’re scared, it means giving someone a chance before deciding you’re not ready.

Effort is how you go from liking someone to loving them, it’s how you go from talking to someone to actually knowing them and it’s how you go from wanting to spend time with someone to wanting to share a life with them.

I used to put chemistry and attraction above anything else, and while I still think they’re important, I realized they’re just not enough. Knowing that someone likes you is not enough if they don’t match your efforts or keep their word or at least show that they’re willing to do a little bit more when it comes to you.

I know that the popular opinion claims that the level of effort matches the level of interest someone actually has in you and maybe it’s true but it doesn’t mean that there’s no interest at all, it just means this interest is not developing because there’s no communication and there’s no depth.

Because if you take your effort out of the equation and you realize that you were the only one making it then it’s hard to keep going, it’s hard to keep moving forward when someone doesn’t want to meet you halfway. It’s hard to keep investing when you’re not getting anything in return.

So next time, I won’t only look for attraction or chemistry, I’ll look for effort. I’ll look for someone who makes time for me, someone who is not afraid of asking questions, someone who is not waiting for the perfect time or the perfect moment to ask me out. I’ll look for someone who actually tries, someone who puts in enough effort that it makes me want to do more.

Because that’s what we all really need; reassurance. We want to feel that we’re appreciated, that we won’t get turned down or rejected, that our efforts are reciprocated and watch how it turns it all around. Watch what happens when you add effort to the mix, watch how your relationship blooms.

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.