I’m Done Lying To Myself To Keep You In My Life

Twenty20 / @criene

Let me tell you about my lies:

I lied when I told you that I was fine. The truth is I cried myself to sleep the night before because I miss you.

I lied when I told you that all I needed was closure. All I needed was you. All I needed was a different answer than the one I got.

I lied when I told you we could be friends. I was just trying to be mature. I was just trying to find a way not to lose you.

I lied when I told you that I’m not mad at you. Because I’m still hurt. Seeing you hurts. Knowing that you’re with someone else hurts. Knowing that you let me go hurts.

I lied when I told you we should put the past behind us and start over. I just wanted to be in your life. I just wanted to find my way back to your heart.

I lied when I told you I understood you. I think you’re full of excuses. I think we could have made this work. I think you gave up too soon.

I lied when I told you I’m over it. It fizzled out. It’s all good. It’s not. The pain still hurts like it was yesterday. I’m still confused. I’m still trying to accept the fact that you’re no longer in my life.

I lie because my honesty pushed you away. I lie because I can’t be honest with myself. I lie because I can’t handle any more tears when I remember the truth.

But the more I lie to you, the more I lie to myself and I can’t lie to myself anymore. I don’t want to be the girl who sees the truth and chooses to believe the lies.

I lied when I told you that you’ll alway be in my life. The truth is, I’m done keeping the people who broke my heart in my life. I’m done holding on to the possibility of us getting back together. 

I’m done lying to myself.

I can’t pretend that you didn’t fool me. I can’t be another fool for you.

I lied to you before, but now I’m going to be honest with you and tell you the truth: You’re not worth another heartbreak. You’re not worth the lies.  TC mark

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.

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Rania Naim

Writing makes me feel alive. Words heal me.

Nothing terrifies me more than being so close to someone and then watching them become a stranger again

Nothing scares me more than someone loving me one day and deciding they don’t want me the next. Nothing terrifies me more than being so close to someone and then watching them become a stranger again.

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