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You Weren’t Strong Enough For ‘Forever’

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I never needed you. I never thought of you as a hero or someone sent to save me. I never really romanticized our situation or our interactions. I never thought of you as the one or saw my future in your eyes.

I took it slow with you or at least I wanted to.

I wanted to get to know you first before calling you mine or saying I love you.

I wanted to get to know you first before I decide to give you my heart. I wasn’t going to dive right in, I wasn’t going to trust you right away. I wanted to walk before I run, I wanted to take it one day at a time with you.

But somehow you misinterpreted my interest in you, somehow you thought getting to know me meant marriage proposals, kids and forever. Somehow you thought getting to know me meant a serious commitment, a burden or a relationship you’re not ready for.

And I don’t understand how you confused my interest for all of that? How you confused the beginning with the ending? How you thought that wanting you was the same as needing you?

I blamed my honesty for the longest time, maybe I shouldn’t have been so straightforward with you, maybe I should have just been coy and timid and let you figure it out but I realized I really don’t have the energy to play these games anymore. I don’t have the skills to keep acting when I could be genuine and I could be real.

And I don’t think it’s a crime to show someone you’re interested in them, that you want to get to know them, that their presence makes you happy, that you want to give them a little more of your time and your attention. It’s not a crime to feel something you don’t understand.

But you made me feel like it was, you made me feel that one date will lead to forever, that one text will mean endless texts and that one chance will mean the last chance for you to be with anyone else.

But that’s not what I wanted and that’s not what I needed. I still don’t even know you. I still don’t even know if you’re my type. I still don’t know if you’re someone I could fall in love with but I wanted to explore this unfamiliar territory with you.

I wanted to see if there’s potential instead of assuming there is.

I wanted to see if our connection was real or if it was just one drunken night when we were both vulnerable.

I never needed you. I only wanted to get to know you. But if you’re that scared of giving someone a chance or that afraid of what it might become, then I don’t even want you.

And if you never really wanted me and it was all a big show for you, then I’m glad the show is over. I’m glad no one showed up for it.

But you know what, you taught me a very important lesson, that those who seem to be brave and confident sometimes are the weakest and the most insecure. That those who claim they want love and are good at it, have never been truly loved and probably don’t even know how to love.

I never needed you. I just wanted a chance. A conversation. Maybe a kiss. But forever is a big word, it’s not for the faint of heart, it’s not for you. TC mark

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.

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