Thought Catalog

It’s Not That I Don’t Trust People, I Just Don’t Know If I Believe Them Anymore

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Aral Tasher

I used to believe everything people told me; especially about themselves.

I used to believe my intuition, my judgment, my gut and I used to see the best in people.

I still do.

The difference is now, I’m always wrong. Now, I always regret it.

Now it’s hard for me to give my heart away to anyone because I’ve met people who said they loved me, people who said they cared, people who vowed never to break my heart but then changed their minds overnight. They disappeared overnight, they loved someone else overnight and it left me a little unsettled. A little less hopeful. A little less optimistic and a lot more guarded.

Now it’s hard for me to tell people my secrets, my fears or my deepest thoughts because I heard they run around telling everyone. I heard they tell me I’m strong and then run around telling everyone how weak I am. I heard they pretend that they’re listening but they go on to interpret everything I said in the wrong way. They go on and pretend like they’re not ripping me apart by sharing the parts of me that I hold so close with strangers and people who don’t even know me.

And that made me want to isolate myself from everyone. It made me want to say less or nothing at all. It made me tell lies instead of the truth. It made me play it too safe so no one can hurt me no matter how hard they try.

Now it’s hard for me to be hopeful because people make me cynical. I still don’t understand how someone can go from texting you every day to not texting you at all and not explain why. I still don’t understand how someone can decide to drop you without giving you a valid reason. I still don’t understand how people lie to your face assuming you will never find out the truth. I still don’t understand how people can know your biggest fears then go on and do the things that terrify you.

It’s all backwards. It’s all painful. It’s the same cycle with different people.

And yet I still trust, I still believe, I still hope because I haven’t met everyone. I haven’t met the right one. I haven’t been surrounded by people who I naturally blend in with. I’m always trying too hard. I’m always trying to fit in. I’m always making excuses just to hold on because I hate losing people.

But now I’m learning that maybe it’s better to lose some people and make room for better ones. I’m learning to fill the empty spaces with people who don’t make me regret being who I am or share my personal stories. I’m learning to fill the empty spaces with people who teach me how to trust again and how to love without holding back.

It’s not that I don’t trust people, I’ve just been trusting the wrong ones. It’s not that I stopped believing people, I’m just learning to pick people who tell the truth instead of the ones who constantly lie. TC mark

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.

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