I’m Sorry, But It’s Not Up To You This Time

You can’t just text me out of the blue and demand a response after going months without texting me, after you made me wait anxiously for a response I never got.

You can’t just call me and expect me to answer when you were never there for me. When you barely even dialed my number.

You can’t just smile at me and pretend like nothing happened because it’s easier than confronting me or it’s easier than realizing that you were a coward.

You can’t just joke with me like we’re old buddies, like everything is cool. You can’t just forget that you hurt me and caused me pain.

You can’t just expect my forgiveness without asking for it, without apologizing or without acknowledging your mistakes. Maybe I let you get away with disrespecting me back then, but now times have changed.

Now I love myself. Now I don’t think you’re a catch. Now I don’t give my love to those who don’t appreciate it.

So it’s not up to you anymore. It’s not on your terms anymore. You won’t always have the upper hand.

So this time, it’s up to me. It’s my turn to make you wait as I take my time responding.

It’s my turn to miss your call and not call you back.

It’s my turn to make you try harder to impress me, it’s my turn to not laugh at your jokes and it’s my turn to make you feel like you’re not a priority. It’s my turn to tell you I’m busy. It’s my turn to treat you like you’re not important. 

And it’s not revenge, it’s not bitterness, it’s not resentment, it’s just a normal reaction to someone who once lied, someone who once took my love for granted, someone who once broke my heart and laughed about it and someone who made me question my self-worth.

Apparently that’s what happens when you’re not that into someone, that’s what happens when you’re not sure and that’s what happens when you know that you can do so much better.

That’s what happens when someone, who once broke your heart, thinks they can just come back and try to mend it. That’s what happens when someone thinks you’re still the same and you still have the same heart — the heart that no longer trusts or loves the same because of what they did. The heart that has learned to only love people who don’t disappear, people who don’t leave and people who stick around for as long as they can.

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.