I Often Wonder What My Part Is In Your Story

I often wonder what’s my role, what’s my title, what’s my label and if I ever make it with you till the end.

I often wonder if I’m the villain; the one who unknowingly broke your heart thinking that you broke mine first. The vindictive villain who would do anything to make sure you don’t find that kind of love again. The villain who everyone wants you to get rid of.

I often wonder if I’m the good friend; the one who has feelings for you but you just can’t see her that way, the one who keeps trying to find a way into your heart but you just won’t let her, the one you talk to about other girls and ask for advice, the one you keep showing in so many ways that she’s not the one and she’ll never be, yet she stays. She always does. Hoping. Wishing. Dreaming. Waiting.

I often wonder if I’m even in your story. Am I even that important to have a role, even a secondary character, or am I just a passerby? An extra? Maybe just a filler?

Or even worse, what if I’m just temporary? A part of someone else’s chapter. A part of a sentence about someone else. 

But sometimes I wonder if I’m the one, your girl, the one who makes it till the end, the one who finally steals your heart and completes your love story, the one everyone was rooting for, the one that everyone wanted you to end up with because it would be so perfect. It would make everyone happy and it would make you a better person. I often wonder if I’m the one who brings out the best in you. The one you’ll always keep coming back to. The one you’ll never leave again.

Because I know I’ve been all of these to you before, I’ve been the villain who broke your heart because you were being so mean, because you couldn’t love me the way I loved you and because you hurt me. But I’ve also been your friend, even when I didn’t want to, even when I had to force a smile until I can go home and cry, I always thought it’s better to be your friend than nothing at all. It’s better to have you as a friend than lose you as both.

And I know I’ve been a nobody to you, when you moved on, when you dated other people, when you decided we don’t have a future, when you moved to another country, when you were too busy with your career and when you just didn’t want anything serious. I was a nobody when you weren’t look for love.

But then I think of the day when you’re ready for love, real love. I think of the day when you look back and realize that maybe I did truly love you and maybe you loved me too. I think of the day when you’re no longer uncertain and you’re finally sure of us. I think of the day when I turn from a nobody to the one. I think of the day that you’ll finally come back to me and say it. Say I’m your girl. Say I’m the one. Say I’m your happy ending.

I think of the day I become your happy ending because you’ve always been mine. You’ve always been the one in my story.

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.