I’m Sorry I Pushed You Away

I’m sorry I pushed you away because I responded to all your texts on time, I answered all your calls and I said yes to all your dates.

I’m sorry I pushed you away because I opened up to you, I let myself be vulnerable, I trusted you even though I didn’t know you well enough but I was comforted by your presence, by your soothing energy, by the kindness in your eyes.

I’m sorry I wasn’t guarded with you like I am with everyone else. I’m sorry that there was something about you that made me want to forget about everything that happened in the past and all the men that broke my heart and focus on you. I’m sorry I lived in the moment a little too much — it’s like I had a feeling it might not last.

I’m sorry I thought we’re on the same page. I thought you wanted more. I thought you wanted to stay. I thought you felt it too. I thought I was the one you thought of in the morning and the one you dreamt about at night. I’m sorry I thought you wanted this to work and you wanted this to last because I thought you wanted me.

I’m sorry I tried too hard. I’m sorry I made an effort. I’m sorry I reached out a lot more than I should. I’m sorry I wanted you to have no doubts about how I feel or my intentions with you. I’m sorry I thought you were tired of women breaking your heart and playing you. I’m sorry I wanted to reassure you that I’m not like them, that you don’t have to question anything with me. I’m sorry I wanted to let you know that you’re the only one.

I’m sorry I thought you were worth the risk. I’m sorry I wanted to give you a real chance. I’m sorry I chose you. I’m sorry I didn’t keep exploring my options or playing games with you. I’m sorry I didn’t play hard to get or act like I’m not interested. I’m sorry I decided to lead with my heart and be honest and genuine with you. I’m sorry I wanted to love you like you’ve never been loved.

But I’m also sorry that you wanted to stay on the shore and you couldn’t swim any deeper, I’m sorry you wanted a storm when I wanted a lighthouse, I’m sorry you wanted to stay broken and I wanted to heal. I’m sorry we didn’t know how to meet half-way.

I know I keep saying sorry for things I shouldn’t be apologizing for, for feelings that were real, for the way I love but I am not sorry because I was wrong, I’m sorry because I was so right and you couldn’t see it. I’m sorry for you because you gave up forever for something temporary. 

Rania Naim is a poet and author of the new book All The Words I Should Have Said, available here.