Thought Catalog

For The First Time, I Want To Be Away From People

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For the first time, I want to be away from people. I want to be away from everyone who knows me, from everyone who expects me to behave in a certain away and from everyone who tells me one way or another how I should live and how I should love.

For the first time, I don’t want to answer my phone. I don’t want to force a conversation or a laugh. I don’t want to pretend that I’m okay when someone asks me how I’m doing and I don’t want to tell anyone why I’m upset when they ask me if I’m OK.

For the first time, I don’t want to dance. I don’t want to pretend that I’m enjoying the music when I can barely hear it. I don’t want to pretend that I’m in the mood when all I want to do is stay in bed, wrapped up in my thoughts, trying to clear my mind.

For the first time, I don’t want to date. I don’t want to wait by the phone and wonder if they’ll call. I don’t want someone I just met to ruin my night because they weren’t paying attention to me. I don’t want to go home and think there’s something wrong with me.

For the first time, I need to be by myself. Away from the noise, away from the words people tell me, away from the life that no longer excites me and away from the same type of men who keep breaking my heart.

For the first time, I’m starting to realize that maybe I’m in the wrong place with the wrong people. Maybe everything feels wrong because this is not the right direction, this is not the right road.

For the first time, I want to leave everything secure and familiar and go in search of something mesmerizing, even terrifying. I want to leave everything I know behind and make room for another life to find me.

For the first time, I want to go somewhere where no one knows my name. I want to remember who I was before all these labels were plastered on me. I want to go somewhere that my soul can connect to, that I can connect to. I need to get in touch with myself again without anyone telling me how to do it.

For the first time, I want to disappear. TC mark

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