At Least When I Look Back, I Can Say I Tried

 Drew Wilson
Drew Wilson

At least I can say I didn’t give up. I didn’t walk away like you did and I didn’t let my fears or my excuses get to me because simply you made me brave or my love for you made me brave.

At least I can say I tried to get to know you, I tried to know the good, the bad and the ugly. I tried to be there as a friend and as a lover. I tried.

At least I can say I fought for you, I didn’t let the small things get in the way, I didn’t listen to those who warned me about you. At least I was afraid of losing you. At least, I believed in you.

At least I made an effort with the ones you cared about, at least I wanted to be part of your life, of your circle and the other ones you love. I tried to make you feel that you don’t have to change who you are or who you hang out with.

At least I made you feel that it’s okay to be yourself. At least I made you feel accepted. But you, where are you in my life?

Where are you when my world falls apart? Where are you when I need you the most?

Where are you in my achievements and milestones? Why are all my pictures without you? Why is everyone around while you’re always missing?

Where are you when I’m all by myself? Where are you when I need a hand to hold?

Why are you known for your absence and I’m known for my presence? Why are you defined by leaving and I’m defined by staying?

Is this how our story going to be? Is this going to be what it all comes down to?

Because I refuse to be that secondary character in your movie or the cameo that makes an appearance to spice things up.

I refuse to be another extra in your movie. I refuse to be the character that people sympathize with — that people feel sorry for.

You either make the whole movie about me or forget about me.

Because that was my movie and I wanted to finish it with you, I wanted the ending to be all about you but you failed to make it halfway through. You failed to maintain the leading role.

But at least when I decide to stop watching that movie, I can say I tried. I can say I used all the tools and elements out there to have you in it but you never wanted a role.

At least I can say it’s not me — it’s never been me.

But you, what will you say when they ask you? How are you going to explain why you killed off my character too soon? How are you going to make your side of your story more credible? Or even believable?

How are you going to explain the ending when you didn’t even want to see the beginning?  Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Rania Naim

Writing makes me feel alive. Words heal me.

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