In Case You Were Wondering, I’m Fine

Thanks for not asking…but I’m fine.

I’m fine.

After months of unanswered questions and toxic thoughts going through my mind about you, about me, about us. After months of trying to understand what went wrong, whether it was my fault or your fault or why it all ended so quickly. After months of forcing myself not to cry when people ask me about you.

I’m fine.

Even though I needed you next to me, even though I wish we could still talk to each other the way we did, even though I keep remembering the places we went to, the conversations we had and the things I still wanted to tell you but never had the chance to.

I’m fine.

Even when I cry, even when I miss you, even when I’m alone, even when I’m scared, even when I see you looking happy in pictures — even when I know you don’t miss me, I’m still fine.

But I’m also curious.

Curious to know if you still care to know how I’m doing, curious to know if you ever feel guilty, curious to know if you sometimes miss me.

I wonder if you finally realized that what you did made no sense or if you’re curious to know if I still care.

Truth is I do, but that wouldn’t change a thing.

It wouldn’t change the nights I cried and the nights you made me question myself.

It wouldn’t change the times you made me feel alone and the nights that got longer because of your absence.

It wouldn’t change my broken heart and how it had to relearn how to live without you and it wouldn’t change the way I see you now.

I wish remembering you can change everything but unfortunately it now serves as a reminder of who you are or who you showed me you were.

This is me telling you I’m fine without you.

After months of lying to myself and thinking I can’t do it on my own, this  is my epiphany that I’m actually better off without you.

This is me telling you that you can’t come back and ask for another chance because you already wasted your last one.

This is me telling you that it’s time to take your games and play them with someone else because you didn’t win with me.

This is me telling you that the game is over. 

I’m fine.

You weren’t strong enough to break me.