I Gambled On You But I Lost All My Stakes

 Joel Sossa
Joel Sossa

I gambled on your words until they left me empty. I believed them until they lost their meaning, I trusted them until they no longer made sense. I cherished them until I realized they’re being said to everyone. I gambled on their sweetness, the way they made me smile, how they made my heart skip a beat and how I loved reading them out loud because they sounded like a beautiful song. I gambled on your music until it lost its rhythm.

I gambled on your persistence. The way you wouldn’t stop chasing me, how you came back after I pushed you away, how you kept telling everyone that I’m the one for you and the way you looked at me.

I gambled on your eyes because they showed me the truth; they showed me I was special, they showed me I was different and they showed me that I’m everything you dreamed of.

But I should’ve known that you’re a magician; you know how to hypnotize people only to snap them back to reality, leaving them confused, hurt and angry.

I gambled on your strength. Your physical, mental and emotional strength. I thought you’d pick me up whenever I fall; you said you’d pick me up whenever I fall. I thought you would lift me up as easily as you lift these heavy weights but I should’ve known that you already have enough weight to carry, that you can’t carry both your baggage and mine, that my baggage was too heavy for you.

I gambled on your energy. Your cheerful and vibrant energy, your astonishing aura and your ability to make those around you laugh and fall in love with you. I thought you would take me out of the darkness, that you would snatch me out of my depression and that you would make me laugh again. I should’ve seen the darkness behind your mask, I should’ve seen the pain behind your laughter, the stillness behind your energy and the silence behind your noise. I should’ve known that your true colors were all black. 

I gambled on your wisdom. The way you so perfectly have your life together, the way you achieve everything you aim for and how you guide other people to have better lives. I needed your guidance, I needed your advice and I needed you to lead the way. But I should’ve known that you’re actually lost, that you don’t know where you’re going, that you don’t know the way and that you had to find your way alone without anyone sharing the road with you.

I should’ve known that you’re used to traveling alone and that you enjoy being alone and I should’ve known that you were going to drop me off in the middle of the road when my company becomes too much for you to handle.

I gambled on your heart until it broke me. I gambled on your kindness and your generosity. Your caring smile and your soft touch, your warm hugs and your protective instincts. I thought I would be safe in your heart, I thought you would guard it better than I do. I should’ve known that your heart is shattered, that all you have left to give are bits and pieces and sometimes they’re just not enough for big hearts like mine. I should’ve known that you still need a long time to heal and sadly I’m not a doctor.

I gambled on your love until I lost all my stakes. I don’t regret it, but now I have to start over from scratch, trying to get back everything I lost with you, trying to gamble again like I used to and trying not to let your experience stop me from gambling altogether. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Writing makes me feel alive. Words heal me.

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