What I Really Wish I Could Tell You

Unsplash Neill Kumar
Unsplash Neill Kumar

I look at you with a smile on my face and say ‘it’s good to see you’ –but what I truly wish I could say is why are you talking to me? I wish I could ask you if you know who you are talking to or are you fooled like everyone else? I wish I could ask you if you are strong enough to keep up with me or is it a matter of time till you run away?

I wish I could tell you I am not used to being loved, I am not used to being treated like a queen and put on a pedestal. I am not used to someone showing up on my doorstep with roses.

I am not used to getting picked up on time, going on fancy dinner dates and receiving loving messages after every date. I am not used to feeling special. I am not used to feeling like my opinions matter and my thoughts count. I am not used to the way you look at me.

I wish I could tell you that I am really strong but really soft at the same time and I still don’t know what triggers each of them. I wish I knew how to describe myself to you so you don’t have to struggle so much with trying to define me. I wish you could understand that I want to let you in but I am still trying to see if you are really willing to cross the line.

I wish I could tell you that the reason why I’m so attached to my friends is that they are the ones who truly accepted me when I almost gave up on myself. I can’t explain why they love me but they do and I wish I could get the same love from you.

I wish I could tell you that my family put me through hell but I survived, and it took me a while to learn to love them again, this is why I may not know how a family functions and I’m terrified of having one. I wish I could tell you that at one point having a family was all I ever wanted but somehow that changed along the way.

I wish I could tell you that I hated being alone or lonely and I looked for love in all the wrong places, this is why I’m comfortable with my loneliness now, it’s now more of an old friend than an enemy. I wish you understood how long it took me to reach this point and how hard it is for me to give it up for someone temporary.

I wish I could tell you I am guarded because the one before you broke down all my walls and left me to deal with the ruins and I had to slowly rebuild it brick by brick. It is so hard for me to break them down again even though I really want to.

I wish I could tell you about how he wasted my time and made me feel worthless, about the days he wasn’t there and the nights he disappeared, I wish I could tell you how weak I was with him. After that, I vowed never to feel like that again. 

I wish I could tell you that if you don’t plan to love me or take me seriously then please leave now because I am not going to give you my heart if you only want to play with it.

But I also wish I could tell you that if you plan to love me, I plan to love you harder and I will find the place in my heart where I once believed in eternal love and family, the place that is pure and free from all the agony and the pain.

If you plan to love me, I promise to find the right words to describe my feelings and help you unravel the puzzle of my life. If you plan to love me, I will slowly start breaking my own walls brick by brick and leave the door open for you.

If you plan to love me, I will slowly walk away from the comfort of my own loneliness and start embracing companionship again. If you plan to love me, I promise you with all my heart, I will forget about anyone who came before you and you will be the only one.

I wish I could tell you all that but I sip my coffee instead and ask you ‘How was your day?’ TC mark

Rania Naim

Writing makes me feel alive. Words heal me.

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