1. Erect boundaries.
As in, set some limits for a guy who seems to have no other interest in you other than being your fling. Make it known that you’ll put in as much effort as he is committed. He asks a flavor of you? Tell him you only do that kind of stuff “for a boyfriend.” Keep this up and, if it doesn’t convince him to date you, it will at the very least tempt him to.
2. Leave your clothes at his house.
This establishes a scenario in which you’re not just trying to go to his place, you need to go to his place. It’s a subtle way of making him beholden to you. Then, when you go to pick up your stuff, leave another one of your belongings at his place, and so on. Eventually he’ll come to the realization that it would probably be easier if you guys just started dating.
3. Make a grand and desperate gesture.
Bonus points if it’s in public! We’re talkin’ dropping to your knees and grabbing hold of his ankles, putting him in a headlock, or what have you. The benefits and satisfaction from this might be fleeting, but look at the bright side: you get an extra couple minutes with him AT LEAST. And if you’re wearing jeans at the time, it’s a great way to get that naturally-distressed look too.
4. Show him what he’s missing.
Megan Draper had the right idea in last week’s Mad Men when she was calculatedly whisked off the dance floor by another man in front of Don. Usually — and as Don demonstrated — this won’t be enough to foster a lasting relationship, but it will be enough to grab hold of his attention for, like, 10 minutes. Have fun with this one; just make sure to highlight a skill or talent of yours. For instance, in my case that skill would be the shimmy. One thorough and saucy shimmy, and I’ll have a man wrapped around my finger faster than you can say “please stop.” So go ahead; find a talent that’s unique to you, and play it up.
5. Voice your opinion of a “crazy girl.”
Subtly mention a story about a “crazy girl,” and establish your position on her. Let it be known that her wild shenanigans are foreign to you and nothing you can relate to — it will fool him into thinking you’re one of the sane ones.
6. Simply start referring to him as your boyfriend.
Call him your “boyfriend” when you’re out at a restaurant together, when you’re talking to friends about him, and even when you’re introducing him to someone. He’s bound to catch on at some point.
7. Trip him up with subtle beauty routines.
Something like face highlighter or a lip wax — something that’ll leave him saying, “Daaaaaaaaaayum girl, you look fine and I don’t even know why.” It’s the type of trick that even you won’t know you need until you do it; the breed of upper-lip shadow you didn’t even know you had until it’s gone.
8. Block him on social media and then make him your boyfriend on social media.
Here’s the thing: sometimes a woman needs to take matters into her own hands when her man isn’t cooperating. Who’s to say you can’t be his girlfriend if you want to? Him? Exactly.
Furthermore, if you want to be in a relationship with him on social media, who’s to say you can’t? Not the man you’re trying to ensnare, that’s for sure. He doesn’t even need to be present when you guys make it official. Just go ahead and do it — but just make sure to block him on social media immediately after so he can’t see what a goddamn creep you are. If all goes according to plan, others will start treating you two as a couple and, soon enough, your dude should be following suit. #FakeItTillYouMakeIt
9. Lie down on top of him; threaten to never get up.
All right already! Would you stop judging me? You honestly don’t know how effective this is until you try it. I guess there’s just something about crushing another human’s airflow that compels the person to agree to anything so long as you get off and let him or her breathe. Just remember to shout “no backsies” before de-mounting.