1. Online shopping.
Or, eBay, to be more precise. I talk about eBay a lot on here — I do realize this. But that’s only because it’s such a prominent fixture in my life. Perhaps we are the generation of “fauxsumerism” as the Cut declares because, for about every 5,000 items I look at on eBay, I bid on one of them. The feeling of unearthing a phenomenal eBay store is nothing short of a high, as is the fight to keep your eyes open and attentive when it’s 4am and you’re going on page 29 (192 items per page). And yet, if only time could stand still! Because there’s no worse feeling than looking up from your computer, seeing the sun begin to rise, and realizing the crippling hold that online retailers have over you.
2. Watching Scandal.
Or whichever TV show is currently and incessantly tugging at your heartstrings. I’m not embarrassed to admit that, come Monday, I’m already eagerly anticipating the new Scandal episode at 10pm on Thursday night. Wait — I lied. I am very embarrassed to admit that. But unfortunately that doesn’t make it any less true. My problem is the unreasonable amount with which my happiness relies on the proximity of a Scandal episode. Because as soon as that episode is done on Thursday night, I’m lost. Last week was the dreaded season finale and, as you might imagine, I have not been doing so well (haters: rejoice).
3. Eating nerd ropes.
I bet you forgot these guys existed, hmmm? I bet you’ve been up high, riding on your horse, gnawing on kale and forgetting all about the generous source of your childhood energy. Well, I thought that too, until I opened my eyes — really opened them wide — and realized that, in Brooklyn, nerd ropes abound. All you have to do is look. And I’m happy to report they taste exactly the same. Which means your digestive system rejects them in the same brutal, spicy manner it always had. Enjoy the nerd rope while it lasts; if you don’t stop to notice it, it could pass you right by.
4. Accepting that fourth whiskey drink.
It’s fun to be all loosey-goosey, isn’t it? To Irish jig your way over to the bar without feeling a freckle of shame. But how fun is it, really? Tell me that. Because when I’m awoken the next morning by a wave of vomit building up inside of me and what feels like a machete piercing through my eye, I tend to think it wasn’t that fun. But that’s just me!
5. Speaking French while drunk.
I’ve always fancied myself a fantastic French speaker, and my drunken self is never too ashamed to admit that. Unfortunately, my drunken self is never too ashamed to prove it either. And I say “unfortunately” because I recently went to Paris and discovered a slight setback: apparently I’m not the French-speaking whiz I thought I’d always been. Regrettably, drunk me DGAF — she simply doesn’t care or heed this information — and so the result is usually a shameful morning-after.
6. Skipping out on brushing your teeth.
Somehow, every night, brushing and flossing my teeth gets in the way of my preferred activity: sleeping. There’s just never a time that feels convenient or opportune for brushing my teeth; it’s always tedious, always an effort. Call me gross — call me what you will! — for it’s nothing I haven’t already called myself. I’m aware of how abhorrent this might sound, but there’s nothing that I derive such perverse pleasure from than lazily falling into bed without a single brushing. I know that I’ll wake up feeling more foul than usual, but I’m able to sleep calmly and deeply knowing how much this would irk my mother.
Perhaps this is just me, but I have a hard time remembering that all of my Spotify activity is public for all of my followers to see. Which does happen to make for a very blissful hour of listening to Sheryl Crow. But then that hour comes to a close, and all you’re left with is this:
I can’t speak from experience, but I’ve always imagined a guy feeling extra shitty about himself after he has gone ahead and cheated on me. Presumably it feels good while you’re doing it because, as you’re getting your dick wet, your mind tends to wander, but I don’t know…I just have a hunch that you’re not feeling great about yourself after the fact — when you’re bold-faced lying to your significant other.