1. They bought themselves some Twitter followers.
It would seem to defeat the purpose of buying Twitter followers when a quick scan of one’s followers will reveal whether or not any are bought. No one has THAT many eggs as fans (or friends) — not even me.
The whole buying followers thing is a very curious trend; because really, how gratifying can it be? No amount of money dished out on these intangible and vague emblems of your status will change the fact that you’re going home alone tonight to make stir-fry and masturbate to The Gilmore Girls. Also: call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure the ditty goes “Started from the BOTTOM now we’re here,” not “Started from 60k followers now we’re here.” Starting from 60k followers is like being born Gwyneth Paltrow: without a clue in the world that people exist in life without live-in astrologers. It’s just not fair.
2. Their significant other doesn’t recognize them.
I’m for solidarity and consistency and, as such, I treat those around me with the same type of reliable respect. I love experimenting with makeup, nail color and hairstyles, but I know where to draw the line: when my boyfriend doesn’t recognize me. And that’s exactly what happened in Girls when Hannah attempted to rekindle the kinky flame her and Adam had at the beginning of their relationship. But the effort was too conspicuous; Hannah was trying too damn hard. So much so that when Adam first walked into the bar, he not only didn’t recognize her as Hannah, but didn’t even notice her as a good-looking passerby either. It was hard to watch: Hannah, trying so hard, and all in vain. Because in order to make an effort, she had to remove herself from the intimacy of it all, and that was enough to turn Adam completely off.
3. Their hair looks like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s hair à la So Little Time.
It should go without saying that Marnie from Girls, in all of her cringe-tastic bubbliness, is the human incarnation of trying too hard. Just as it should go without saying that her wretched music video cover of “What I Am” sums her up quite well. But if asked to pinpoint just one aspect of Marnie that typifies her abhorrent perfectionist attitude, it would be her hair in that God-awful video. In case you need a (blurry) refresher:
I wish I could dispose of this — I wish I could just extricate this image from my mind and forget it ever happened, but I can’t. The crimp is too strong; the nostalgia too heavy. You see, the hairstyle sported here is blatantly lifted from Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen à la So Little Time. It’s trying to say “sexy bed-head,” but what it ultimately says is: chemically straightened hair, crimped at the roots. And it reeks of desperation.
4. They toiled tirelessly over their man bun.
Man buns are running wildly amok and it’s not pretty. To combat this, we must all pool our efforts and say “NO — no I do not support your man bun.”
What has happened to us? Sure, this epidemic has existed for awhile but it has always been contained; intolerable, yes, but contained. Contained specifically in Williamsburg bars that hire self-possessed mixologists with a lumberjackian bent. Then one day it escaped the confines of Williamsburg and has run rampant ever since.
And it’s an interesting epidemic too. One would think there’s at least a crumb of truth behind the #LongHairDon’tCare sentiment and yet with men there isn’t. First there was Jared Leto, who consciously sported a man bun at the Golden Globes and then a cleaner, more greased-up man bun to the Oscars — both professionally styled. And then, this:
If you’re wondering whether that’s a man bun flipped over on top of this stranger’s head, let me stop you right there: it is. It appears men have given up trying to pretend they don’t care; in an odd turn of events, men everywhere are growing long hair and yet seem, more than ever, to care.
5. They’re Justin Bieber and they’re forced to think.
This brand of trying too hard diverges from the typical scenario. Because in this case it’s not trying too hard in an attempt to appear cooler, but trying too hard because he has no other option. Pulled out of school at such a young age and then coddled to the point of no return, any instance in which Bieber is forced to think will take effort — lots and lots of effort.
6. They can’t masturbate.
Anything that gets in the way of or hinders one’s ability to masturbate is a case of trying too hard and needs to cease. We all know at least one of them: they’re the type who wrap up their feet in a Chinese foot-bind because they heard it’s on trend, and end up not being able to walk. Or they sport those really long and pointy nails only to realize afterward that they can’t even finger themselves. DON’T become a statistic.
7. They’re wearing bandage anything.
I’m usually not one for grandiose generalizations but I think it’s safe to say that any form of bandage wear is a pretty accurate indicator that someone is trying too damn hard…and probably looks like Lauren Conrad. (Speaking of which: I have a bright yellow Hervé Léger dress that I’ve been trying to sell for 4 years now. Anyone interested: email me.)