An Open Letter To Girls Who Sleep With People’s Boyfriends: Please Don’t?

To the girl who wrote “I Will Sleep With Your Boyfriend And This Is How It Will Happen.” Um, yeah, COUPLE things:

1. Please don’t?

No but like seriously, can you not? I literally just got a pap smear and I realllllllly don’t want to go back to the gyno, at least not ’til I’m dead. Can’t you just choose a dude whose girlfriend deserves this? Like a Dexter kind of thing, except instead of killing bad guys it’s hooking up with deplorable chicks’ boyfriends?

2. This behavior is contagious

This whole proud mistress steeze you have going on is not redeeming. In fact it’s quite threatening, especially for girls like me who actually relish that grossly comfortable state you inevitably reach with your boyfriend, where you can feed each other jelly-filled donuts in bed and ask each other if your poop is a weird color. You girls are a menacing, truly chilling breed. But most of all, you’re cramping girls’ styles everywhere. There are enough dudes out there as it is who treat women badly; we don’t need to add women to that list. And if you keep this up, women will be added to this list. Because this type of behavior scares other women into matching you.

3. Your “appeal” you speak of

And I quote: “I will be cute, but in the way that you never are. With a light sundress that grazes mid-thigh and a smile that says, ‘It’s okay, you can talk to me, I don’t bite.'”

I’m sure your light sundress is cute. I’m sure it has a floral pattern, buttons going down the center, and I’m sure it looks even cuter with a backpack. But another thing I’m sure of is this guy didn’t approach you because of your sundress. Nor did he approach you because of your welcoming smile. Yes, your dress may have scantily grazed your “mid-thigh,” but the only thing that dude can see grazing your mid-thigh is his penis, in his fantasies. Doesn’t matter how shy he is. Right now, you’re fully entrenched in what I like to call the dark side. Your skewed logic is compelling you to do all sorts of self-hating things. When you’re ready, come on out of there and we’ll exchange your sundress for a nice jumpsuit.

4. Your cute point

Which read: “I will be cute, but in the way you never are.” And bitch I’m sure you are cute! But why is your cuteness defined by my lack thereof?

5. About my sex appeal…

This whole hating on other girls thing needs to cease because it only perpetuates gender inequality. And like I’m not trying to brag, but when I left my apartment this morning and stepped over the homeless man asleep on my stoop, I saw his eyes flutter open and him give me a look that could only be read as “I’m DOWN.” If that’s not sex appeal then I don’t know what is. And anyway, I’m not sure I even quite get what you’re trying to say. That my farts aren’t the “playful sweet chirps” I advertise them as? That my burps don’t add to my character? Explain this to me in a language I actually speak.

6. K wait. So you actually like guys like this?

This is what confounds me the most about this article: “He will have forgotten how to talk to girls…He cheated because he was the kind of man who cheats, and I sought him out because I like men like that. They thrill me even in the predictability of their deception.”

Say wha? So you like soft boys who have lost their balls and the ability to flirt? You actually enjoy men who appear weak and delicate? You like guys with girlfriends who also happen to be shy and cowardly?

7. Elaborate on apartment please

You wrote, “In my apartment, there are no problems. There are no fights. There is no going to bed in some ugly tee shirt and forgetting to touch one another because you have better things to do, such as play around on your phone.”

To which I ask: What kind of apartment do you live in where you can’t put on an ugly t-shirt? Call me crazy, but your apartment sounds kind of sterile and uncomfortable. AND it’s a trap for taken men? Are you a witch?

And then you said this: “Everything in my apartment will be for pleasure and for now.” Am I really supposed to believe you don’t have anything that’s just plain useful? Like a sponge to wash your dishes? Paper towels? I need to see this man-ensnaring contraption you like to call your apartment IRL.

8. Much like my sex appeal, you also don’t know me either

“He is not a bad person and neither are you.” You don’t know me. You aren’t privy to that time I purloined propel water and scrunchies from CVS.

9. The thrill you’ll get from sneaking around is short-lived

It’s like pursuing something that you know is bad for you, but that also provides such a strong sense of instant gratification that you can’t resist. It’s fun while you’re doing it and can feel the weight of attention on you, but that wears off quickly, especially when you’re both back in your default positions: he in bed with his girlfriend and you in your bed, alone.

10. Proposition for you:

You seem to be quite good at entrapping these cheaters, so I’ve got a proposition for you. Take them all. No, really. Please. Pluck each walking cheater off the streets, and take them into your apartment, where they can’t wear ugly t-shirts and will ultimately wither away. Lock them up, toss the key, and then come out with me and my friends. We women should be focused on uniting, not hating, each other. And if you don’t? Then you’ll just stay the same. The home-wrecker, the other women, but, most of all, anonymous.