10 Signs You’re Not A Stoner

There is less and less of a stigma on smoking weed every day, but still, being a stoner isn’t something people typically aspire to be. It’s more like a habit one picks up during those college years; a contretemps, say, for those who find it suits them particularly well. Which is why I’ve always been puzzled by those who try to pretend they’re stoners when they’re so blatantly not. So, to those wannabe potheads out there — the jig is up. In fact, the jig was never even down. You’re fooling no one.

You’re white and say things you just shouldn’t

One time I witnessed a visibly nervous white girl taking self-conscious drags of a joint. She looked up and, in between dry heaves, said, “Mmm…this is some good shit — where’s it from?” a valiant effort indeed, but also what I like to call Exhibit A.

You Celebrate 4/20

If you’re a habitual smoker, then 4/20 is just another typical Monday afternoon for you. It can even be quite a pain in the ass, with hundreds of charlatans thinking they have carte blanche to smoke your entire stash of weed. The days of “caring is sharing” are long gone. We’re in a recession here.

You plan to smoke way in advance

This includes banging on for three days straight about “getting toked” before seeing Harmony Korine’s Spring Breakers. Perhaps you’ve been reading Snoop Dogg’s tweets and listening to Wiz Khalifa to get yourself in the mood.

You go to Coachella and wear flower headbands

That is all.

You still get the munchies

It takes a true vet to be immune to the munchies. Rookie smokers typically have a bottomless pit for a stomach, but true potheads have trouble getting an appetite before their first joint of the day. Sad, yes, but nonetheless true.

Rihanna’s Instagram startles you

If you are leafing through Bad Girl Riri’s Instagram photos and haven’t thought to yourself, “Bitch, please,” then you’re not a stoner. On the other hand, stoner or no stoner, if Riri’s diamond-filled joint didn’t impress you then you aren’t human.

You smoke and get weird

Everyone’s true colors emerge after a couple hits of a joint. Examples include laughing uncontrollably at something that isn’t funny, going radio silent for a good three hours, or getting some sort of authority figure involved due to paranoia. All very weird, and quite disenchanting.

Your memory is fully intact

Quick: what’d you do last night? If it took you less than 5 seconds to recall, then I’m sorry, but you didn’t make the cut. Stoners typically set phone alarms for everything under the sun. Things like their own birthday or Christmas Eve.

Your sister steals your weed and you don’t notice

In this case, an eighth will typically last you a year. You always have weed within arm’s reach just incase you ever find yourself having to validate your chillness, but when the time comes to actually smoke, you pass because you’re “on a juice cleanse.”

Scrounging

Ah that pitiful, most shameful state of desperation. If you’re not a pothead, you will never find yourself scrounging for weed. You won’t find yourself scraping your grinder with a butcher’s knife to collect any semblance of leftover keef. Or picking up green-colored dirt from your living room floor to sprinkle onto a rolled cigarette. You just won’t.