Rules For A One Night Stand

Rule #20: When the sky turns purple take a shot of whiskey. Good whiskey. Don’t chase it. It will make you invincible.

Rule #19: Wear your best perfume. Put it on the back of your knees. Spray a misty cloud and run through it like a kid in a lawn sprinkler. 

Rule #18: Listen to vinyl records and dance barefoot on the carpet. Laugh as the carpet shifts on the hardwood floors and ask aloud, “Carpet are you magic?” before demanding, “Take me to France!”

Rule #17: Waterpoof mascara.

Rule #16: Do not wear any kind of sparkles. No man wants to wake up to shimmering sheets.  

Rule #15: Call your best friend. Her approval is mandatory.

Rule #14: Think about how men are more like fortune cookies than taxi cabs. Consider it an epiphany.

Rule #13: Stare into space on the way out concentrating on the real moral to the story of Cinderella.

Rule #12: Wonder if you would have burned bras in the name of feminism but do not arrive at a conclusion.

Rule #11: Do not wear heels in case a quick getaway is required.

Rule #10: Scoff at how your coworker asked you if your life is anything like ‘Girls’ and remember how she said she feels sorry for your generation.

Rule #9: Go to a neighborhood you don’t care about to a bar you don’t care about and order a drink you don’t care about. 

Rule #8: Be sure.

Rule #7: Pick someone who is attractive. Someone you can have a conversation but who doesn’t really make you laugh.

Rule #6: In the middle of conversation go to the bathroom. If you remember what he looks like while you’re washing your hands, proceed as planned. If you forget what he looks like, abandon ship, you care too much.

Rule #5: Go to his place but make sure he’s going to pay your cab fare home. When he does so reluctantly, add sarcastically, “And they say chivalry is dead!”

Rule #4: Have fun

Rule #3: Be a smart girl. Be a responsible girl. Be sure the only regrets that could possibly emerge out of the situation is you didn’t write down the stupid pretentious thing he said about network television.

Rule #2: Allow him to be blissfully ignorant about how lucky he is to be a notch on our bedpost.

Rule #1: Laugh the whole way home.