I don’t think I’m going to date until I’m 25. Scratch that I’m not going to date until I won’t be jealous of any other girl my significant other will talk to. HAHA just kidding, I’m a bitch and love stalking pictures of all the other girls my obsession of that year is photographed with and calling her ugly. It’s juvenile — I doubt that I will change that behavior within the next century. Don’t even act like you’re all too good for that because it’s a base thing to compare potential sexual partners of someone you’re interested in.
I think I will be ready to date when I can believe that I am worthy of someone being into me. I won’t be turned off because they’re too into it and I will accept that I am a bad ass bitch capable of having someone else be obsessed with me instead of the other way around.
Honestly, I don’t have time for someone and don’t even know if they would be cool with having to deal with a Rich Woman being their girlfriend. Truth is, I’m kind of scared of dating. I’m scared of having to fit into these rules of having to hang out with someone all the time, I don’t like kissing, I’ve just never been approachable? I don’t have straight male friends or lesbian female friends ever. I don’t even know what straight guys talk about? I seem to get off on saying no, of turning people down. So honestly, I don’t know if I will ever date.
Dating just seems really cheesy and you have to meet these expectations and worry about whose house to go to for Thanksgiving. FUCK THAT. Why do you have to all of a sudden become an extension of someone else because you are Facebook official? Why is it a question of oh why is so and so not here? Can’t you just fuck and say you’re dating but not have to be at each other’s beck and call and be judged all the time by everyone who knows you’re in a relationship? And unless you’re at an age when you are expecting marriage what is even the point? What is the point of knowing it will end but still continuing with all of the effort, and sentimental gifts, and corsages for the homecoming dance?
Maybe I’m just skeptical because boys never approached me on the playground asking me to be their girlfriend? I’ve never had someone look into my eyes, and hold my hand, and tell me I’m pretty, when I didn’t doubt it. Maybe my therapist is right and I need to learn to find myself worthy of loving and not feel cocky when I give myself a compliment. But plenty of insecure girls like me tend to be the ones who always have a boyfriend. Maybe my daddy issues aren’t strong enough? I’ve just never felt like I needed another person to support me all the time and it feels suffocating to have to be a duo. To be Rachael and …instead of just Rachael. There are times when I do worry about when I’m going to be finally motivated to settle and date someone. I’m almost 21-years-old and I’ve only had sex with one person, one time. By choice. But it is scary and will continue to be scarier once everyone I know starts to settle down and get married which really isn’t that far off.
I just don’t really get how it happens that people can just meet in a bar and then begin a long term relationship? I need to have obsessed over the said person for years to even let them touch me. I just don’t feel open to it. I can’t find random people attractive for their bodies to the point where I would want them to have sex with me. So am I forever alone? I’ve kind of reached the point in my life where my friends are my relationships, and I buy them stuff for Valentine’s day and make cute cards.
The motto that my sister always quotes at me and I need to learn to follow is “do less”. But she can be secure in that because she’s always had a boyfriend. I’ve just had to consider that my next obsession will come to me when I’m not even looking. Maybe they’ll finally like me this time, but I doubt it or else I wouldn’t really like them. I don’t do anything in my life lightly or half assed. If you are worthy in my mind, I need to want to write really bad sonnets about you and how you don’t love me.
I’m setting myself up for eternal failure but one day I guess I’ll snap out of it and change my ways. But I don’t want to sacrifice how I love people in order to fit the timeline that society has made for me. I’ve just never seen the point in tying myself down during the prime of my life and looks. If I don’t find someone to date until I’m 50, I think I’ll be ok.