Here’s What Texting With A Creepy Guy Looks Like

I made the mistake of giving a guy I’ve never met my phone number via a private message under the pretenses of well, you know, being friends. I heard men and women can do that.. the platonic friend thing. Unfortunately for me, he got annoying really quickly. Fortunately for you, hilarity ensues. I initially just shared the following screen shots with Rob Fee, especially since this all went down right around the time his Weirdest Person on Facebook post and I thought he could appreciate it. I almost regret sharing it with him, because now he won’t stop bringing it up. If you don’t find this funny, you can blame him, because clearly if Rob Fee finds something funny, it is worth sharing with the internet. (Note: I have only cropped out the dude’s name out of these screen shots. I ain’t got nothin’ to hide here, but I’m not cruel or dumb enough to post his name.)

It started with a friendly hello, some small talk about what we do, Los Angeles, and nothing terribly interesting. I played along, because he seemed pretty harmless. I shrug off his use of “my love” because maybe he’s just one of “those guys” that calls everyone “dahhhhling” but I’m still pretty hesitant.

I should have known giving him my Instagram would be trouble. One look and his curiosity begins to peak. OMG SHE DOES PORN MAYBE SHE WILL FUCK ME!!!?!? I like to think that not every dude that talks to me is trying to get it in, because I’m not that cocky and unrealistic, but COME ON.

If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a bunch of scripted questions during the “getting to know you” process. Here’s an excellent example.

Suddenly I feel like I’m on Christian Mingle. Okay, what is with “I will be rich.” I’m super stoked that you’re an optimist, but you sound like a tool. Are you sure you won’t EVER need 12 BMW’s? How do you know? You might need one for every brain cell. Also, his sarcasm detector is definitely broken. Maybe there’s an app for that?

At this point, I’m asking myself “Why am I still talking to this guy?” but at the same time, I feel like he might say something so completely stupid that I’ll pee myself and that’s thrilling, so I digress…