10 Stupid Things That Really Piss Me Off

I hate to complain, but I’ve decided to bitch here anyway about some stupid shit. Some of you might be able to get behind these, but hey, I’m just venting.

1. When people try to get on a train or elevator before I have a chance to step off.

Chill the fuck out, you’ll get where you’re going. The idea is, we get off and that gives you more space when you board! It’s a fucking common courtesy! Don’t be an impatient asshole. SO LET ME GET OFF FIRST. THANK YOU.

2. Unwarranted dog petting.

I’m sorry but just because I have stepped outside with canines in tow so they can get some exercise and do their duty doesn’t mean HEY REACH OUT AND TOUCH MY DOGS WITHOUT ASKING. It’s just kind of rude. If my dog comes right on up to you, like whatever, I’m not going to be a dick because they’re social animals, but for all you know this Doberman puppy and Cocker Spaniel could not like you or people at all. If I see a cute animal that I want to touch, I’d simply say to the owner “Cute dog! Do you mind if I pet him/her?” It’s that simple.

3. Those fucking excessive 3D nails.

WHY IS THIS SERIOUSLY A THING? That chunky Hello Kitty gem dot sparkle heart rainbow bullshit on your nails makes you look 12. Seriously, how old are you? It looks like you put super glue on your nails and dipped it into a fucking craft store. I’m going to glue staples, bolts, and nails to my fingers to look cool. I’m also going to change up the design 1-2x a week and take close up pictures of my hands every single time and post 2 different angles in a diptych on my Instagram for your viewing pleasure. Give me a break.

4. A dude doesn’t text back but likes something I posted on Instagram instead.

Like dude, you checked your apps FIRST? Hold on, let me like this photo of your ass right before I say “hey” back…

5. Facebook Friend Suggestions.

Sometimes, you’re such an asshole of an algorithm. People I May Know? More like People I Don’t Care To Know. 2 Mutual friends? Cool, please introduce us immediately! Dear Facebook, NO, I wouldn’t like to add that girl my ex cheated on me with or the girl the guy I like used to sleep with. THANKS FOR ASKING, THOUGH.

6. Being stopped on the street when my headphones are in.

So, this has happened to me more than once and I might sound like a bitch, but if my earbuds are in, it probably means I want to tune out the world, and be in my own little tunnel world filled with the soundtrack I supply to it. That does not invite you to wave for my attention, get in my face, and gesture that I should listen to you. The last time this happened, some dude followed me across the street in Beverly Hills, got past me and turned around. Once he had my attention, he started blurting out the most awkward, slightly creepy, and forced attempt at hitting on me. Unless I dropped something or there is a god damn emergency, DO NOT INTERRUPT MY METAL. Thanks.

7. The Pass-By Feel-Up.

Every time a dude feels the need to touch me unnecessarily when passing by me in a crowd or row of seats, it makes me livid. I was at a Nine Inch Nails concert last weekend and this dude and his friend were returning to their seats, which were past my friends and I. I grabbed my purse and stood up to give them more room in front of me since my legs are so long and space is tight at Staples Center, and the first guy had the nerve to wrap his arm around my torso on his way across, as if I am some sort of balancing device you can just grope on your way. Pleaaaaaase. Wearing a crop top does NOT give you the right to touch my skin. Go die.

8. When the toothpaste gets all gunky and gooey by the opening.

Squeeze out a tiny amount, put on toothbrush, close cap. How hard is it to not get globs all over the damn thing!? It ends up everywhere. Wipe. It. Off.

9. Blocking the sinks in a crowded women’s bathroom.

I get that you need to re-apply your red lipstick in the mirror, but there are only 2 sinks, and a line taking up most of the free space, and I just want to wash my fucking hands. Step to the side so the sinks can be used when you are finished. You can see your reflection from a little further away, too, ya know.