Whether you’re celebrating Easter this weekend or you’ve got some form of family function coming up, you could always use a survival guide. We all love our families (right?), after all blood is thicker than vodka, or whatever that saying is. But there are times where your cousins can be annoying, your aunt can be awkward and your uncle can be thoroughly offensive. For those times, here are 12 ways to get you through family filled holidays:
And lots of it. Be sure to strategically seat yourself next to the wine. Even if it means sitting next to your racist uncle. You’ll be too tipsy to care about what he’s saying anyways.
2. More Alcohol
Be sure to smuggle in a mickey of whatever your go-to drink is. Whether it’s Jägger, Vodka, or grandpa’s moonshine, just carry some of it in your purse. Your racist uncle happens to be an alcoholic, probably, so you’ve got to make sure you’ve got your own supply.
3. “Are You Seeing Anybody?”
Aside from the fact that everyone secretly thinks you’re a lesbian for being so single for so long, they’ll probably pitifully ask you if anyone’s finally agreed to date you. You’ve got two choices: pretend that you are a lesbian or make up a fake boyfriend. Maybe even go so far as creating an Instagram account of your ‘bae’ filled with photos of Jay Alvarrez instead.
4. Fake Sick
If you want to catch a quick nap on the couch, blame your aunt’s lasagna, say you’re nauseous and count on an hour of shut eye isolation.
5. Table Debates
Is your family arguing about whether Trump, Sanders or Hillary will take the crown? Bite your tongue – even if your mouth fills with blood. Be sure to mumble ”ah, true” and “mhmm” every few minutes until it’s over so people know you’re still alive.
6. A Dog Is Everyone’s Best Friend
Let’s hope the host has a dog. I guess you can modify this step if you only have access to a cat or goldfish of some sort. Pets don’t talk and they expect nothing from you. Stick around the canine, volunteer yourself as the dog walker even. Picking up shit outside, away from everyone might be better than dealing with the shit that’s going on inside.
7. Work Emergency
So you may be an elementary school teacher which would mean no emergencies during the holidays. Or perhaps you’re unemployed. Make up a job if you have to and then make up an emergency to follow.
8. Fake An Allergic Reaction
If things get really bad, like your cousins got ahold of your Tinder account and swiped on everyone type of bad, announce that your throat is feeling ‘funny’ and blame a newly developed food allergy.
9. Medicine Cabinet Candy
See if you can get your hands on a Xanax or a good muscle relaxant, like my go-to Flexeril. Sit back and enjoy the pretty colours!
10. Hide And Go Leave
Round up your cousins for a great game of hide and go seek. The best way to play is by getting up, walking out the front door, ordering an Uber and going home. You win the game and you get to reside to the comfort of your own bed.
11. Drinking Games
If you can’t beat’em, get’em wasted. Self proclaim yourself as the family bartender for the rest of the night. I bet grandma is better at beer pong than you think.
12. Actually Try To Enjoy Their Company
On a more serious note, I know family can be super dysfunctional and irritating, especially when everyone in the room has very different opinions about literally everything but these people won’t be around forever. Try not to take things so seriously around them. Instead memorize the lines of their faces, the weird noises they make when they laugh, the stories they retell for the 7th time and the way your grandpa and grandma still love eachother after 50 years. When push comes to shove even your worst blood relative will have your back. Afterall, dysfunction is where the home is.