If everyone used social media this way, the world would be a better place.
1. Tell Us Everything; Leave No Detail Out
We want to be answered and we want it now. After all, it is the digital age so everything goes. Why scale down and skimp on the details when you can flood the world with all the information now. Why become a mystery? Why scale down? Why risk being forgotten? Or misunderstood? Or like there is nothing going on in your life? Keep us updated on EV-ER-Y-THING. What brand of cereal do you buy? Do you eat breakfast? Why? Do you use the same tweezer for everything or do you have various kinds? We are dying to know.
2. Get On And Stay On Your Soapbox
The world needs to know. You may not be able to make people listen but you can express yourself and you should at all times. It is never inappropriate to stand on your soapbox. The best thing about a digital soapbox is that the platform is online. No one can tell you to get off your stage, so don’t leave. Stay on it. Camp there and declare the things because you have the right.
3. Please, Relay All The News That You Believe To Be True As The Truth
Fact-checking is a thing of the past. Your confirmation bias is all you need. If the article feels true, it must be. What kind of website publishes false information anymore? I can’t think of a single one in the modern age. The thing is, you can use any article you want to support anything you want… including this one.
4. Treat Your Social Media Friends As Your Audience
Fellow social media users. This is your time. Don’t settle for mediocre. Don’t let anyone just add you because they think you’re cool if they don’t think what you are selling is awesome too. The best people to reach out to in Sales is always family and friends. It won’t hurt your relationship at all when they start to feel pressure to grow your empire because they love you. In fact, the will probably realize how much work you are putting in and how authentic your product is that you would want them to buy it.
5. Update Us On The Number Of Followers You Have
Every time that you break even, you better post a photo, a video, a song, a movie, a mixtape, whatever you want but don’t just let the moment pass. This is a huge deal, yo.
6. Don’t Forget To Complain When They Unfollow You
What’s with people and loyalty nowadays? Well… if they can unfollow you, you can rant about it. Tweet about why and how. Make a graphic. Link their page below. Let the world know what kind of traitors were on your social media. Call your local news station. Ask them to tune into your social media page. Report the tragedy. Submit an article detailing the experience in full. Don’t let it go.
7. Air Out Your Laundry And Complaints Here, Please
But why stop with just unfollowers when there is a world of things you can complain about? Start with your mail man, then your real man, then the man that doesn’t know he is your man but should start knowing it. The world is your oyster, and it’s doing it wrong. Someone needs to say something. So clearly….YOU need to be that someone. It’s really selfless of you. Imagine, a world of naive people just thinking everything was okay. Not on your watch. You find the story, you spill the beans, and definitely will file a complaint about those beans later.
8. Share It Before It Makes Sense
Don’t proofread. This is a world that needs more honesty. More authenticity. More tell it like it is. More gumption. Why are you proofreading honesty!? No– if they can’t take it. Let them unfollow you and then you complain about it as frequently as your heart desires. Don’t check to see if anything you are saying contradicts itself because quite honestly, who doesn’t. You are just being human. There is nothing you can do about it. Don’t think, just share.
9. Only Images You Will Regret Please
This is YOLO like you have always dreamed. You captured all these wild, crazy, inappropriate and hilarious moments on your phone. Why are they not allowed to get some air-time? Who cares if people are not comfortable. They can go. Only the dramatic report people. You, my friend, should not have to enjoy these strange and embarrassing images alone. Who cares if your friend may lose their job over the photo. If they cared that much about their job, you would not have the photo, to begin with. Am I right?
10. Videos Are Even Better
Videos are what the world craves. Share. Share it all. The higher the potential for regret, the faster you need to upload that thing.
11. Only Update Every 20 Minutes
Every healthy relationship has pauses and your relationship with social media is no different. Instead of posting every other minute, why don’t you lay low and post every 20 minutes? Give people time to properly miss you. It’s more fun that way.
12. If You Need Longer Intervals, Make Sure You Have 6 Paragraphs Explaining The Pause
Now….if something happens and you happen to go an ENTIRE day without posting… I urge you to contemplate your readiness for commitment to the internet. If you still want this relationship to work out, apologize with a minimum of six paragraphs expressing why you disappeared. Assure the internet that it won’t happen again, when it does, repeat this step. They will never notice.
13. You Know What They Say, A Selfie A Day….
If it didn’t matter, your phone would not have a front facing camera. If you don’t post a selfie daily, we will forget what you look like. There are billions of people in the world, how can we be expected to remember what you look like when you can’t be bothered to remind us. Don’t think about it. Just post.
14. Walk Us Through Your Relationship From Start To….Oh Look A Bird
Word on the street is you started dating. Do share more! Tell us how you met, what it means, what your dreams are, what you eat together, what you think of each other, what you do for each other. Involve us every step of the way. Force your relationship on everyone you know and make them participate in your story of love. But if anything happens and you break up…don’t breathe a word about it. Go radio silent. Shutdown your computer, move to Alaska, and return when you are ready. When you are writing your 6 paragraphs on why you left and how you will never do it again…never mention your significant other. Cross your fingers, I think they forgot too.
15. Please Troll, Negative Comments Really Get Us Going
How dare these people post stupid humor in the social media world and not invite you. #Troll. Find the people that seem to want your opinions the least, and counter them in the comment section. Do this every time. The love and experience you gain are astounding. Soon enough, you will be trolling in your sleep.
16. Ignore Messages For Months, And Respond Only When It No Longer Matters
Why answer on time when you can answer later? People see that you are clearly busy. Have they not seen the posts every twenty minutes, the comments, the rants, the photos, the videos, the statuses? Clearly, you are hard at work. How can they expect you to answer messages at the same time? Do it when you can. Make sure that it’s late. Teach them a lesson.
17. Invite Us To Join You In Your Social Media Games
Why play alone, when you can invite? If there is an option to do more, always be willing to be extra. Remember, persistence is key. Invite the same people as much as you can. Don’t take it personally if they block you. Just troll from a different account. You can and should send as many gaming invites as possible. One day, you are going to make someone the happiest person in the world. I feel it already.