Here’s Your Collection Of The Worst Product Reviews Of All Time

Least Helpful is a website — or rather, a “tumblr” — which collects the worst customer reviews of products from around the internet. It might be nice to pause here so that I can mention that I finally figured out what a “tumblr” was only a few months ago. “Tumblr” apparently translates as… “a website.” Mystery… solved.

ANY-way, Least Helpful gathers the least helpful, most terrifying, and most bizarre customer product reviews from Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Goodreads, and so on, and so forth. As someone who has obsessive-compulsive disorder and who once spent three months looking for the “perfect” black hoodie sweatshirt, I can testify to the extreme unhelpfulness of online consumer product reviews, which can often veer off into frightening digressions about, say, Obamacare and Jesus, when all you are really trying to do is figure out if a sweatshirt is comfortable or whatnot. Though I did learn that Jesus is anti-healthcare, which is nice, and which I plan to subtly work into conversation at the very next party that I go to. (“Hey, did you see that new movie Argo?” someone will say. “JESUS HATES HEALTHCARE AND HE HATES YOU!” I’ll scream.)

Where was I? …I know where I was. I was about to list some of my favorite product reviews from Least Helpful dot com. Here you go:

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Klipsch Image X10 Noise-Isolating Earphone: I personally think two stars is a pretty charitable rating for something that you feel is too “penis-y.” But hey, the sound is good though. Also, a major thing that this review made me wonder about is what it would really feel like to have penises in your ears. I feel like having penises in your ears would either feel a lot warmer or a lot colder than you expected, due to the circulation or lack of circulation in the penises involved. Gosh, when I started writing professionally seven years ago, I never thought that I would end up writing that sentence. Anyway. Penises in ears. I feel like they’d be a lot warmer or colder in your ears than you’d think. “Hey, this penis in my ear is surprisingly chilly.” Etc. I don’t think I can keep on doing this professionally after writing that sentence. Maybe I need a new career. Maybe I should go back to law school or something.

Fisher-Price T.M.X Tickle Me Elmo: I have only one thing to say in response to this review, which is this song. Which also happens to be a song that was randomly stuck in my head when I woke up this morning, and I have no idea why. Anyway. The internet! Fuck yeah! Slavery! Fuck yeah! Still funny, even years later.

Also, on an unrelated note, I worked in a toy store once, about a decade ago, and one day when I was bored at the toy store, I set off an entire row of singing, talking Elmos at the same time, about twenty Elmos or so, and the result was… horrifying. And that is all. Not a long or hugely interesting story, really, but I just thought that you should know.

Furby Orangutan: Mmm. I like the part about the demons. But this review needs some random Obama-bashing before I can really get down with it. Give it a little Obama-bashing, and then I’ll be happy.

Also: “GOOD RIDENCE.” …Just two little words, really. But oh, how they tug at the heart.

Iron Samurai – Japanese Inspired Blue LED Watch: Dude. I’m just going to be honest here and cut through the treacle. You have not had orgasms that lasted longer than this watch. And I’m going to guesstimate that you have never had any orgasms at all. Wow. That was mean of me.

Moving on… “Iron Samurai” is the most Japanese-y fake Japanese name that I can think of. Although “Iron Samurai Robot Ninja Sushi Cat” might be better.

I Know an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Pie: I think it would be awful to have this lady as your teacher, or as your parent. “That book is so preposterous — who could REALLY swallow a horse?” Wow. She’s a fun one, huh? How does someone with that attitude even become a preschool teacher? Did she mean to get a job as a server at Chili’s that day, but then the Chili’s was closed and she just ended up swerving the car toward a school and somehow become a teacher instead? I just don’t get it.

Anyway, being in her class would be awful. “‘Humpty-Dumpty had a great… fall?’ How would an egg even get on top of a wall in the first place, children? Jesus. Or how could he even be alive in the first place? YOU JUST CAN’T SUSPEND DISBELIEF FOREVER, CHILDREN, YOU JUST CAN’T! …I MEAN, GAWD. I MEAN, GRARRAAAAAH!!!” So yeah. Sounds like a terrible class.

Why Romney Lost: I’d like to point out to Mr. M. Parker — and to everyone everywhere, I guess — that putting random words like “votes” in quotation marks doesn’t make you seem wise or smart or like you can see through the lies and the bullshit of the Philip K. Dick-ian society that we all live in or blah. No, rather, it just makes you look dumb. And at a certain “point,” putting too “many” “words” inside of “quotation marks” just “starts” to undercut any “argument” that you may have “had” in the first place, and just makes “people” completely “tune you out.” …So. I’m not sayin’; I’m just sayin’.

Taco Cabana: …This, on the other hand, is a helpful review. Thanks, Rudy! Note to the other people on “Least Helpful” — this is how you do it, people!!!!! This is the kind of info that I need to know.

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AHAHAHAHAHA. So, there’s that. And I’m laughing right now because I just realized that I have to end this article but I don’t have a joke with which to end this article… with. Um. So. How to get out of this situation. Um, quick. Hey; what’s that right behind you? No; I’m serious. I’m not kidding. Seriously; you’ve got to look behind you right now.

Okay. Whew! Now that you’re all distracted by that, I’m leaving. Go check out Least Helpful dot com, or don’t; like I actually care. Okay; that’s it. Goodnight, everybody!