1. You have no idea what the two of you are doing.
An undefined relationship is most certainly a complicated one (and most relationships are complicated), but the fact that you two haven’t had clear and direct communication of your wants, needs, and expectations, shows that you’re not only too uncomfortable to do so, but that you don’t have enough faith that the other person actually wants to be with you. When you have to question what it is that the two of you have, it shows a lack of confidence in what it is that the two of you do have, and a lack of confidence, comfort, and communication is a perfect recipe for that complicated relationship to remain complicated, not healthy.
2. You’re not sure if either one of you is ‘seeing’ other people.
Seeing other people, going on tinder dates with other people, having sex with other people, when you want a relationship that’s monogamous, you’ll have to know that your partner is interested in being with you, and only you. If you think the other person isn’t fully committed, they’re probably not. When your complicated relationship is leading to a healthy one, there will be no secrets when it comes to who exactly you two are ‘seeing.’
3. You can’t keep track of the amount of times you two have broken up (and gotten back together).
You’re like Ross and Rachel in real life (were they on a break?). If your relationship has been consumed by constant on and off, you probably haven’t had much time to truly connect with each other. A healthy relationship is with someone who loves you enough to be in your life and stay in it, not someone who takes what they want from you and leaves like you’re a McDonald’s drive thru.
4. You use a break up as a threat.
When you feel like you have to scare your partner into thinking that you’ll leave them, you know you’ve got some issues. Your partner should already appreciate what they have, they should appreciate you, and if you feel you have to make it known that you could do better, or find someone else, than they’re not the person you’re going to have a healthy relationship with. A healthy relationship will be with someone who feels lucky to have you and their actions will prove it.
5. One of you ALWAYS avoids talking about the future.
The future to adults is like the monster you think is hiding under your bed as a child. It’s scary, yes, and unknown, but if a complicated relationship is leading to a healthy one, you both won’t be afraid to take a chance on each other. The future becomes a little less scary when you’re with someone you trust.
6. If you do talk about the future, it’s about ‘your future,’ not ‘our future.’
Obviously it takes two people to have a healthy relationship, so if talk about the future involves only one person, then you two don’t see a future with each other in it. The person you love will not only want a future with you, they’ll imagine a future with you, and they can’t help but talk about it.
7. You both don’t include each other in important events.
Family parties, birthdays, holidays, if you’re not included, it means they didn’t want you there, or they didn’t think you would want to be there. Either way, someone who’s important in your life, will be a part of important things in your life, and you’ll most certainly want them there.
8. You try to change each other.
In a healthy relationship you will change with each other, not for each other. You can’t change who you are to make someone love you, or to make someone commit to you, but you can be with someone who loves every part of you, and life’s too short to be with someone who doesn’t.
9. You’re exhausted from attempting to please him/her.
For some it’s natural to want to constantly please the person you’re with, but when you become emotionally, mentally, or physically exhausted from doing so, give and gain is an unbalanced scale in your relationship (and it doesn’t have to be). In a healthy relationship, happiness is something that’s maintained from both ends and one end doesn’t become exhausted while trying.
10. You’re trying to convince yourself you’re happy.
Happiness isn’t something you have to convince yourself you have, it’s something you feel and know is real. Your relationship doesn’t have to be perpetual smiles and rainbows and unicorns to be a happy one. There are plenty of happy relationships that have their unhappy moments, but that’s just it, they are moments, and you both help one another overcome them. You’re choosing to share a part of your life with this person, it’s only going to get as complicated as you make it. Choose to be healthy. Choose to have healthy relationships.