Your Leaving Didn’t Break Me

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You left, but you didn’t take the memories with you. The memories stayed behind and I’ll think about them from time to time. I’ll think about you.

I’ll think about the first night we met and then I’ll think about the way you’d always bring it up later, about how I caught your eye that night, and how you just had to have me. I’ll think about the first time you asked if you could call me your ‘girlfriend’ and how I thought it was so trivial at the time.

And then I’ll think about the things you told me, and how I believed them, and how every sweet nothing you whispered in my ear wasn’t necessarily a lie. The “I love you’s” and “I care so much about you’s,” weren’t lies,they were just phrases that left your lips which for you, had no meaning. And that used to be the part of myself I wish I could change, that I find meaning in the little things, that I search for meaning in the little things. But now that’s something that I like about myself. That I’m not afraid to feel, to trust, and to hope for the best, even when I’ve had such shitty outcomes.

I’ve learned that love is often trial and error, and you’re probably not going to find it on the first try, and if you do, you’re lucky, but you’re also missing out. Because if you’ve never been left by someone you thought you loved, or someone you did love, you’ve never had the opportunity to look back and realize that their leaving didn’t break you.

Because your leaving didn’t break me, but it didn’t make me stronger either. I was a mess when you left, and I think that’s okay. It’s okay to miss the goodnight texts, it’s okay to miss simply having someone, and it’s okay if your life ends up in disarray because of it. So, yes, I missed you when you left, but your leaving did not break me. It made me mindful. It made me aware.

It made me think of all the love I do have in my life, and all of the love I have yet to experience. Because there is more love out there than the love that you showed me. There is better love.

And your leaving has made me believe I’ve finally found it, and it’s also made me realize that finding it is just the first step. Because when you find a love that’s real, it changes you. And I’m beginning to see my world a whole lot differently, and I don’t think any of this would’ve happened if you never left me. TC mark

Nicole Tarkoff

Writer based in the Philadelphia area. Person who really loves her dog and watching cooking shows. Check out my writing on Thought Catalog and follow me on Facebook! Connect with me and submit your work on Collective World.

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